Hi,

I recently got introduced this forum and look forward to some support. I came to know that I am love shy just a few days back. I could only but smile flipping through Dr.Gilmartin's book, who seems to have written about just me page after page -- that is when I also realized, for the first time, I am not alone. Importantly it has shown me what the problem is and that I can look forward to freedom from it.

Ok, just as it could have happened, I met my wife online and just as it could ever have happened after 1 year of online dating, we married. But interestingly, she is not at all a shy person, in fact very aggressive and strong. It has been quite a while we are married and our marriage has not moved anywhere towards consummation. We really love each other and there is more than one thing that can keep us together. Excepting now, of course, sex.

Most of Love-Shy cure/recovery approaches talk primarily about dating help etc., which I do not think is applicable for my situation. I have now begun by trying to see if cognitive therapy will work for me, but will really like to hear what people here might have as suggestions.

Where can I find information about surrogate therapy ? How successful has it been ? (My wife does not want to herself be the surrogate-therapist, quite understandably, and that is out). What are the other therapy alternatives available ?

I am also seeking help regarding social anxiety (maybe even phobia). Will love to hear about your experiences.

thanx!

She doesn't want to explore your body, your identity, and your fears, alleviating them with tenderness, patience, love, affection, and mutual sexual attraction?

She wants you to go to someone else and you are married? I don't have the heart to give my advise.

Sometimes I think I need to stop reading this forum. It's times like this I feel like I could lose whatever little is left of my faith in humanity. Her position is so utterly repulsive to me that I can't tell you in good conscience, the depth of my disgust, because I feel so bad for what she is putting through. I am really, truly, genuinely sorry.

What exactly is stopping you and your wife from consumating the marriage?

Does she take initiative sometimes but you freeze up through anxiety or something? Or do you sometimes try but she cuts you off for some reason?

How do you know she didn't just marry you for money and is cutting you off from sex and is maybe having sex with other men (or women) behind your back?

so your wife doesn't want to ever have sex with you?

I think you probably have bigger problems there than LS. contextually, of course, since LS shouldn't be a huge problem in a marriage.

Trololo

Is your wife also a virgin? If so, is this could be a reason you haven't had sex. She could have an innate fear of the act. If she rejects anything physical, like hugs and kisses, then I'd be worried. Maybe you should discuss working up to sex, rather than visiting a surrogate.

Is your wife asexual? If so, that would explain a lot.

Either that, or she's going to someone else to get sex, and you're just a legal causality. Sorry dude.

is there a greencard involved in this marriage?

@Mitchell : Yes, both. Sometimes she makes advances and I freeze up and other times I make advances and she is not interested.

@PlaidJumper : No, she is not a virgin, but the relationships were not very positive for her. She has not had sex for the last six years (that is our marriage) and a little before that.

=*=
One of the things she is doing to come out of her situation is lot of physical activities and games. However, I am unable to come out fully and freely (hopefully this is only due to my love-shyness). I have started running, but other activities, it is as if I have to wage a war to just open the curtains and let the sunlight in.

=*=
We love each other a lot and we know for sure that we both together want to make this marriage work. [I should quickly add, if we had not run into Dr. Gilmartin's work, we had almost agreed on separating ways. But now we know what the problem is, we both are ready to work towards resolving it].

How do I know it is not other motives she has to stay with me? It is only sex that is in our negative balance. On everything else, we have a very healthy positive balance - affection, companionship, outlook towards work, society, food, art, creativity, etc., to name a few. She has her own work permit, is financially independent and psychologically very strong.

I come to this forum looking at ways to deal with my psychological situation and not to vent out my trauma. Looking forward to your experiences/suggestions/...

thanx!