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Catt02 · **Posted:** 06 Oct 2011, 00:08

53 yr. old guy, was good looking, worked out, was a musician, had personality ect. - but never dated, had romance or intimacy. Had been approached numerous times throughout my lifetime but could not reciprocate. Not because the girls/women were unattractive or uninterested or that I was not interested - that in fact I was desperate every day of my life just to embrace or be able to even look at a someone pretty without getting so flustered and feeling so intimidated I would as the song goes; "see those girls dressed in their summer clothes, I have to turn my head until my darkness goes". I've quit several jobs out of humiliation. I've gone to therapists, ended up in a mental hospital and finally attempted suicide few months ago. I was found almost dead on the floor of a dingy hotel room when the sheriff busted in with paramedics. I had taken barbiturates, drank a half bottle of gin, and a inhaled a propane canister of CO. Next suicide attempt will be successful. I'm not afraid of dying but afraid of living. Of course it is too late for me by now but I would just say to young guys that still have a realistic chance and a life ahead of them: Do not do what I did. I did this to myself - no one else. I failed to face my fears. Every day now I live with regret, profound sadness and loneliness. There are no memories, no special moments - nor did I add to any women's life.

The Doctor · **Posted:** 06 Oct 2011, 00:39

I'm really sorry to hear this. Many people think that saying yes is easy and that if you get approached, you have no problems (a deciding factor in why many people don't believe women can be loveshy). I've been there. While I have not been approached directly, I did once get a note at school (supposedly from a girl. Turned out to be fake, but that's another story) asking me to meet her in the canteen at lunch. I was so nervous, I didn't go there at all during the break. I have since got over my fears, and I'm sure there may be some way you could too. Your age may hold you back, but death definitely will.

Erebus · **Posted:** 06 Oct 2011, 17:30

Catt02 wrote:

Every day now I live with regret, profound sadness and loneliness. There are no memories, no special moments - nor did I add to any women's life.

Yes, loneliness is soul-destroying. Longing for love and intimacy becomes overwhelming and nothing can replace it. Have you ever been on date with woman? Have you ever felt woman's touch or warmth?

jsmacks · **Posted:** 07 Oct 2011, 01:13

Catt02 wrote:

53 yr. old guy, was good looking, worked out, was a musician, had personality ect. - but never dated, had romance or intimacy. Had been approached numerous times throughout my lifetime but could not reciprocate. Not because the girls/women were unattractive or uninterested or that I was not interested - that in fact I was desperate every day of my life just to embrace or be able to even look at a someone pretty without getting so flustered and feeling so intimidated I would as the song goes; "see those girls dressed in their summer clothes, I have to turn my head until my darkness goes". I've quit several jobs out of humiliation. I've gone to therapists, ended up in a mental hospital and finally attempted suicide few months ago. I was found almost dead on the floor of a dingy hotel room when the sheriff busted in with paramedics. I had taken barbiturates, drank a half bottle of gin, and a inhaled a propane canister of CO. Next suicide attempt will be successful. I'm not afraid of dying but afraid of living. Of course it is too late for me by now but I would just say to young guys that still have a realistic chance and a life ahead of them: Do not do what I did. I did this to myself - no one else. I failed to face my fears. Every day now I live with regret, profound sadness and loneliness. There are no memories, no special moments - nor did I add to any women's life.

You sound like an older version of me, although I never really think I have a good personality. I have that hopeless feeling about the future at times about not having a woman. Weird thing is though I don't think too much about my future love life, it is just that I can't imagine myself being married or even having a girlfriend I am living with (that would feel too uncomfortable to me). I rarely think of committing suicide though. I feel that even without a woman on my side there are still great things in life to enjoy (reading, visiting new places, doing music for personal enjoyment, learning new things). Those are the things that keep me going.

painter · **Posted:** 09 Oct 2011, 17:15

I love that song. That line about turning head until the darkness goes is right, in so many ways.
This is one of the saddest posts I've seen here. I wish I had something comforting to say.

Adam82 · **Posted:** 11 Oct 2011, 01:19

I think of that song when I see pretty girls too.

Adam82 · **Posted:** 11 Oct 2011, 01:21

MrToad · **Posted:** 14 Oct 2011, 10:25

Catt02, I'm really sorry to read your story.
I can't preach to you, but I wish you could find some enjoyment in other things in your life because I hate the thought of someone like yourself (and like us here) being so rejected and miserable that they want to end their lives.

Come on mate, there's got to be something you can do to feel fulfilled, even if it doesn't get you a partner

SilentDesperation · **Posted:** 19 Oct 2011, 04:14

Catt02 wrote:

I've quit several jobs out of humiliation.

Yours is one of the saddest stories I've read. Would you care to elaborate on this comment though?

Our lives are the exact inverse of this.

Catt02 · **Posted:** 29 Nov 2011, 23:04

[b]The jobs I quit were when I was interested in someone or they in me and it was found out I was the shy type. It would not be readily apparent because of my looks or my fashion - looks can be deceiving. I'd here comments "what's wrong with him?" . . . "why doesn't he talk to me" . . . ect. It would get to where I could not face another day at work so I would just leave w/o saying anything. That actually happened 3 times. One of those stories was in particular a real tragedy. I shed many tears driving home from work each day. Loneliness tears you up inside after so many years. I do other things - like volunteer for animal rescue/care. I also practice music for hours on end so I play really well and is an outlet of expression. I sleep away the rest of the time if I can.[b]

Bob Dole · **Posted:** 22 Dec 2011, 09:12

Adam82 wrote:

You youngsters and your newfangled hippie music!

oncebitten55 · **Posted:** 22 Dec 2011, 14:09

Catt02 wrote:

53 yr. old guy, was good looking, worked out, was a musician, had personality ect. - but never dated, had romance or intimacy. Had been approached numerous times throughout my lifetime but could not reciprocate. Not because the girls/women were unattractive or uninterested or that I was not interested - that in fact I was desperate every day of my life just to embrace or be able to even look at a someone pretty without getting so flustered and feeling so intimidated I would as the song goes; "see those girls dressed in their summer clothes, I have to turn my head until my darkness goes". I've quit several jobs out of humiliation. I've gone to therapists, ended up in a mental hospital and finally attempted suicide few months ago. I was found almost dead on the floor of a dingy hotel room when the sheriff busted in with paramedics. I had taken barbiturates, drank a half bottle of gin, and a inhaled a propane canister of CO. Next suicide attempt will be successful. I'm not afraid of dying but afraid of living. Of course it is too late for me by now but I would just say to young guys that still have a realistic chance and a life ahead of them: Do not do what I did. I did this to myself - no one else. I failed to face my fears. Every day now I live with regret, profound sadness and loneliness. There are no memories, no special moments - nor did I add to any women's life.

You need to stop being afraid.Fear is not usually a good thing. You need to overcome it. I hope you
do this. Why waste your life with suicide?

Catt02 · **Posted:** 23 Dec 2011, 01:07

You need to stop being afraid.Fear is not usually a good thing. You need to overcome it. I hope you
do this. Why waste your life with suicide?[/quote]

. . . that I need to stop being afraid is well known - but it might be better to say
'you need not be afraid' and that's what I do seriously consider. My brother committed
suicide a couple of weeks ago - he would have been 61 on Dec. 25. Somehow that caused
me to reconsider my own desire to end it. He lived a life of torment and ended up in prison -
none of which needed to be. So I figure it need not be the case for me either. We shall see
what tomorrow brings . . .

alienafternoon · **Posted:** 24 Dec 2011, 07:33

I hope you're doing much better today, Catt.

Suicide is not a good option. Believe me, there are plenty of wonderful things in life that can make up for girls.

Have you tried therapy? I know this gets quoted everywhere, but therapy and medication have done wonders for me - I used to be scared to leave the house, and now I have friends and a social life (but still no girlfriend.)

Catt02 · **Posted:** 24 Dec 2011, 09:42

SingForAbsolution wrote:

I hope you're doing much better today, Catt.

Suicide is not a good option. Believe me, there are plenty of wonderful things in life that can make up for girls.

Have you tried therapy? I know this gets quoted everywhere, but therapy and medication have done wonders for me - I used to be scared to leave the house, and now I have friends and a social life (but still no girlfriend.)

Actually therapy/meds can be quite helpful - I went through a COG program, group therapy that had been
right for me at the time. Indeed there are fabulous things to be done yet but romance is a unique experience that may be a need in us - at least for most of us. I would guess we know what we need in life.

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