I think asking why is one of the biggest mistakes you can make. One thing I've learned from many psychology books I read lately is that attraction is not rational, it's something that can't really be explained. When you are asking why, you actualy asking them to conceive a lie (this is from You are not so smart book, I will point out the article when I will find the time to look it up). If there is a rational reason for the rejection, it's still a bad idea to ask why, because it puts her in a vulnerable position.

I agree with the description of her intentions, however I don't think cuting it of is the best course of action. In our sittuation, one has only few chances to interact with women. Now that you are not emotionaly invested and know that it's not going to happen, take this as chance to sharpen the saw. Go out with her, practice flirting with her, learn what women think about you etc. BUT!, do that only if you are sure that you can remain emotionaly detached, and don't let her use you for dinner-purchases. If you are friends, everyone pays his bill. I did that with some of the ones I met, and I got a few friends from that.

BUT! let me repeat this! Do it only if you are sure that you can remain detached, and if you feel that she is taking advantage of you, establish the limits clearly.

I think you're talking about the one on introspection: http://youarenotsosmart.com/2010/05/26/ ... ospection/

I love that site/book.

That being said, I disagree; even though attraction (as well as any kind of taste) may not be completely rational, it's sure as hell not random, and unless you've only ever been attracted to 2-3 people in your life, you can probably deduce which traits attract you and which ones don't. Moreover, most people seem to have similar attraction patterns, especially people of the same gender. Asking why is a fair question; trusting the answer may not always be wise, but not because people might unconsciously lie by concocting a rationalization, but because they might consciously lie to avoid accountability.

But "Puts her in a vulnerable position"? Wow, if such a simple question can make a girl feel vulnerable, then a job interview might traumatize her for life! By messaging her first, guys put themselves in a much more vulnerable position and yet they are expected to take it without complaining; same rules should apply for girls. Obviously I'm not saying every message should be given a response, especially not the badly written ones (of the "hey bb ur hot" kind) or the obvious copypastes, but if a guy takes the time to ask politely why he was rejected, that should at least not be perceived as an offense.

It's not an offense. It's just that women often are brought up to be "nice" (some are just rude I know but the rest...)

We don't want to say anything bad about a person no matter how weary that person is, we don't wont to hurt his feelings, and experiences of men haunting us if they are dissapointed andhurt also makes one to "take it easy"

I've had really rough times with teachers and bosses who felt dismissed. I am very careful when I reject, don't want an angry man on my throat.

I realize intellectually most men don't act like that, and a clean cut is the best way to do it. But it seems rude to me.

I get what you are saying, and sometimes I'm tempted to kill a few of those :#@!#@. But for some of us, it's killing us. We lack the ability to read cues beyond the verbal ones, and not beeing strait forward, just makes us think that you are really busy, and hope doesn't die, and we turn into those you really hate, the ones that you can't excape.

Yes, that's right


ME TOO!



I understand your point, but I think you are forgetting something. We are at advantage, because we have been forced to investigate and understand our feelings, more than the average Joe. I don't think that "normal" people even understand the implications of answering that question, never mind what exactly attracts them to the opposite sex. Some of them have learned that answering strait would get them in trouble, so they consciously lie, others simply tell whatever is on their mind at the moment.



I will give you an example: What if the girl wants someone with more money ? There is a social stigma related to that, and she would be stigmatised for being honest. People have strange ideas regarding beauty, answering such a question would reveal things that she may consider shameful.

Another thing is, what if she says, I don't like that you wear the hat that way!, and you say ok for you I will wear the hat this way. Then she realises, but I don't like your pants, I will change them ... well actually, I don't like your face ... I will get a operation .. She opens a can of worms that she might not want to open. Face it, she doesn't like you, and she doesn't know exactly why, and she doesn't want even to explore that. You know that, having probably read more on the subject than her, and you need to face it!




As I was saying in another post, I once hacked a dating site, and I've seen accounts of interesting girls. There were pages and pages of unread messages, in a few hours my message was 5-6 pages back (10 messages per page if I recall correctly), after messages like "HY, want to fuck ?". Clearly, no one outside this community thinks that guys are making themselves vulnerable by initiating the conversation.
I'm not taking sides with the women here, but you have to understand that they don't have it easy either, it's not easy to spot a douche bag at first, and she risks a lot by telling you something that you may not like.

I've met a girl at a speed dating event a few months back, and she was telling me about a guy that seemed alright at first, but after a while he became obsessive and would not stop calling. She admitted that she was actually more pissed by the fact that she was calling a lot than by him as a person. I met the guy afterwards, and behind the mask of a shy polite guy, was a real moron, with paedophile inclinations that was contemplating the possibility of incest with his step daughter. I think that most love-shy people are too good for their own good, polite, respectful of the wishes of other, with no ill intentions, but the world outside is not that way, and because we are like that, we can't really understand that behind a mask of politeness and good will may lay a "killer".