I was recently thinking about growing up, and how my mother (and even grandmother) had a prying, almost obsessive interest in my relationships (or lack thereof) with females. I remember my mother constantly asking me about girls at school that I liked, what their names were, what they looked like (this was in Elementary and middle school). Then when I got into high school, my mom would continue to ask me about girls, if I was going to ask them out. This question was brought up AT least a couple of times a week. My grandmother would always ask me if I had a girlfriend yet. When we were out in public my mom would see a girl about my age and stop me and tell me I should go over and ask her for her number (ummm lol wut?) When I was a senior in highschool, I had no desire to go to the prom, because I knew I would never have the guts to ask any girl out, or even deal with the stress of going on a date, or doing somthing like that. My mom, for the previous year up until that point, had kept telling me that I was going to take somone to the prom OR SHE would ground me. Time kept moving, and I felt no less love-shy about the situation (my current onitis at the time was dating a 24 year old, so she certainly was not about to go to the prom with me, not that I even tried to ask her). So finally I told her that being grounded seemed more desirable than dealing with prom. She freaked out, started WALING and sobbing and muttering to herself about how I only think about myself!

Then through college, and grad school... It was better sinced I lived far away from her, but everytime on the phone, asking me if I was seeing anyone, criticising the way I would act and look as the reason why I never seemed to have a girlfriend. The worst part is now, she assumes I MUST be seeing all kinds of girls, I must be having multiple one night stands with women, or if I have a girlfriend I'm some kind of a douchebag that embarrassed of his mother. Still my fault, plus a dick because apparently I don't love her enough to be introducing her to the mother of her future grandchildren because there's no possible way I'm NOT with women, I MUST BE. I havn't even tried to tell her about my mental hang ups with this (even though anxiety and depression runs hard on her side of the family) she'd probably just tell me its still my fault. Which in a way it is... but certainly not within' my obvious control.

Additionally, she was friends some other moms of some kids my age that I went to school with. They would get together and drink while we (the kids) played, and compare notes about us, to eachother, then on occation they would line us up in front of them so we could talk about who we liked in school, I could never tell anything to my mother in confindence because she would end up telling all my embarrassing shit to the other moms, who would then -for some fucked up reason- told this stuff to their kids -who allready liked making fun of me anyways- gave them some pretty AWESOME ammo. it was incredibly embarassing, and I can't believe how bizzar that actually seems to me looking back on it from the age of 28.

I often wonder how much of this constant focus on this aspect of myself, the constant one sided punding into my head, contributed to my self-conciousness and love-shyness.

Anyone else deal with unrelenting bullshit from family... friends even?

I don't think the situation with my parents is quite as extreme as yours, but I sympathize. My mom never talks to me about relationships, but my dad has implied on a few occasions that he suspects I might be gay.

My dad has always been cool about it. Infact he and my mother got divorced about two years ago... his experiences in dating thus far have been difficult for him. I think he gets what its like for men to date these days, and to a certain extend why I'm never around women very often. Meanwhile my mother has remarried allready. I love her, shes my mother... but I must say, its very typical.

I get the exact opposite. I get the whole "men these days are horrible" spiel. Followed by the latest gossip she's heard about a man behaving badly. "If I ever get a chance to get married again, I wouldn't do it", she says. I keep saying I'm not going to get caught up in whatever her issues are, but every time I do. My dad successfully cock-blocked me through high school, so I think he's said mission accomplished and could care less what I do now.

PJ

I think it's time to tell your mother what's what and that if she doesn't back off she should get the fuck out of your life.

Oh yeah, we allready had that talk. She doesnt really bring it up anymore, although her line of questioning leads me to beleive that shes dying to ask.

It just seems like the shit that happened as a kid sticks with me way more than shit thats happned recently.

What exactly did you tell her? And how did she respond?

If I ever mention anything to do with a female to my mother she assumes I'm in love or something. She will then start asking a shit load of stupid questions in a particular tone of voice.

I told her that I put enough pressure on myself for my percieved interpersonal inadequacies, and that I don't need her adding more weight to my burden when it comes to this matter. She basically just said that she was sorry, but didnt understand why it was such a big deal... Even though its been her making a big deal about it all my life.

Perhaps you should have pointed that out to her. The way your mother acted in the past is unacceptable. Moreover, her behaviour may well have contributed to what you've become, namely LS.

I hate the idea of it being about "mommy", or having it be related to her in any way, but it seems like thats the case.

It always felt like a highly disturbing invasion of privacy when my mum brings up anything regarding my sexuality. I think if she were to try prying into things like that, i'd lose patience very quickly. usually I passive aggressively fight back against things like that. avoid answering. the best way to do that is when she makes a statement she expects addressed instead of a question like if she said "that girl looks nice" i'd would say, "oh" then fall silent, pretending to be contemplating something else. she then gets irritated and demands I reply, I then say it wasn't a question, and I acknowledged her opinion on the topic to the extent of demand in conventional social protocol by which stage, being an ESTJ, she has been completely unable to keep up with any sort of complex phrasing of an abstract concept, and gives up.

Damn, it's kinda creepy how much I can relate to this. While my Mom wasn't nearly as extreme as yours, she did (and still tries) to pry for gossip and relationship details from me all the time. Asking what I like in a girl, who I think is attractive, mentioning random coworkers daughters, asking if I think any of my younger sisters friends are cute, like seriously. I know she's trying to "help" and play matchmaker, but hell that's the last thing I want from her. And I've told her time and again that my love life (or lack thereof) is my business not hers, and if I ever meet a girl that I hit it off with, she'll be introduced no worries. That discussion didn't change much, and it stayed that way even after I repeatedly told her relax about that stuff. Nothing changed until onetime I went into rage mode upon one of her fun stories about a coworkers daughter that she thought I'd related to. The daughter was going through rough times with depression and suicidal thoughts because she had recently broken up with Boyfriend X who apparently "turned out" to be a dick, and was Number X in a line of shitty abusive relationships. The girl was beside herself and her mother didn't know what to do, and all they both wanted to know is where the good guys are today...I kid you not. So I exploded, told my Mom that while I feel sorry that the girl is suicidal and an emotional wreck, I DO NOT relate to the story and that it's an example of what makes me hate the dating scene and expectations of modern chicks. Sorry to say, but there's an obvious constant in her relationship troubles: herself and the guys she keeps falling for. I went on to explain that there are tons of decent guys, but they're the one's who rarely get any attention from girls like her until they're both in their midlife when they're ready to settle down, and I'm not okay with that bullshit. My Mom was taken back, and we went on to talk about how even my sister went for the "edgy" guy first, passing over the nicer guy. It took even her, the daughter that you raised, to get hurt by the "edgy" guy first before realizing she should've went with the other friend (who she's now dating and has a great relationship). After that she kinda shut up about the relationship stuff lol.

>_> Guess I needed to wordvomit. Carry on, I know your feels.

Edit: Oh I forgot to mention that as a kid I also experienced my Mom giving up dirt to other parents that I foolishly told her, and then having it come back in my face with more bullying I didn't need lol.

Any kid and teenager would have had shitload of issues to have a normal emotional life after such probing... I don't get it, but I'm sure it played a big part in your current problems, which is understandable. I guess you were almost scared to finally have someone, should your mother behave so badly with her and all...

My mum is a nutcase, but I didn't have that problem - I had plenty of others, but thanks God, not this one. Just once actually. I stopped living with her very early, around 10, and then came back briefly at 15 and left again. When I was in last year of high school, she asked me to go to dinner with her, in a restaurant. I hated going to public places with her cause she couldn't bloody behave, and as a result, I ended up being the opposite and I separate very clearly what is okay to discuss in a public place and what isn't. Anyway, at the time I had a best friend I was in love with, a guy who I think liked me but he was all about having a "cute" gf so I was just tossed aside. Anyway we remained close friends and all, and my mum asked me about him in the restaurant. I told her we were friends, and she asked me with a nasty smile if we were being "cautious", because she wanted to be a grandma but not yet. I still remember the shame as I type, it's crazy. I was so angry, so humiliated. I was 17 and she was saying stuff like this in a crowded restaurant, where everyone around could hear her crazy talk and her hysterical laugh. I went back home and told my grandpa about it, he went nuts. We're very private people in my family, so he was like "she's crazy, CRAZY!". It was the last time I had dinner with my mum, in fact.

Till now, I can't understand how people can be that invasive into their kids life, and never for the good reasons.

so much of probing will surely annoy anybody
its gud that ur mom is frank wid u but so much of indulgance takes your space from u and u dont feel like sharing everything to her.

even my mom keeps asking me about evrything and about my friends but she knows when and where to ask what so that i am not in a situation where i feel lip locked and cudnt answer her back