I very much appreciate your response and it saddens me that this is the reaction I get from the very few people that are in my world. "There must be something ELSE wrong" I can really tell you that I am confident that there isn't. I'm not naive, I'm aware (and have had friends who have observed from the outside expound on the possibilities...which is why they are friends no more) of the gazillion things that COULD be....but they aren't. It's just that simple. It's that severe. He can make it to my parking lot. He tries. Really hard. We are inseparable on the phone. You should see our lifestyle. We make it work. I do agree that most women would struggle with this. But he's worth it.

And he won't 'get help' Idont think He can't talk hardly to ME about it. I can't see him going to a stranger.

there's a big difference between "there must be something else" and "there might be something else". the first is a judgement of his character, the second is an analysis of the consequences of his situation from an external viewpoint with little additional contextual information. no need to get defensive.

You misread my tone, Fonduman. I was not being defensive at all. I'm just sad and exasperated. When I said "it must be" I was quoting my well intended friends and family. And when I said "no more" it is because I have had to withdraw because it pained me so for someone to even think such things about such a beautiful soul. It is very hard to convey tone in text....especially amongst people that don't actually know each other. I agree with you totally. I didn't think that the fella that reached out in this thread to me was saying anything mean. I understand totally what he meant. I guess I should have expounded further and said that it reminded me...made me feel the same sadness because I DO understand what it must look like to others and it is frustrating that there is just no way RIGHT NOW to make it look otherwise.

I only piped up in here to give encouragement to "The Woman" because I do so understand what she feels. Most of the time I feel bad coming in here because I DONT speak out. The pain is great. I am looking for answers and hope like everyone else. You guys were so good to me when I first came in. I'll never forget that. You all always have my deep gratitude.

how good a person someone is is irrelevant to most people, unfortunately. it's all about how appealing and useful a product you are. they'll rain down criticism on a man just for being shy, because anything that looks like weakness degrades his social status.

This is really true.

I can relate to what latorradora wrote, that my friends says ditch him. And express content even. Even do they don't know the severity of things.

@ latorradora I I'm not familiar with the word exasperated. According to the dictionary it means aggravated/irritated. I don't think that is a good feeling around someone loveshy.

We have had a lot of misunderstandings He and I, and I believe that my feelings of suspiscion towards him, because I didn't understand if he where playing with me, that he has taken them for discontentment

I think a person with low self esteem has difficulties that not blaming themselves if you have negative feelings about the situation. After all acceptance is the most important psychological need.

With any fear - to allow oneself to be afraid is the first step.

If you don't do that - you will fight the feeling, and it gets a stronger grip.

What you say fellas?

I will be very grateful for more thoughts.

I do agree, The Woman, that aggravated/irritation is not good around anxiety disorders. Exasperation is not really exactly only aggravated and irritated. It also conveys a sense of frustration/weariness with it. Before I understood that this was a disorder, I took it personally. It made no sense to me whatsoever. I took it as rejection. It just wasn't what it appeared. I remember when I finally found this site, and read about the problem on Wikipedia, how liberating it was to know that it had a name. We, too, were very close friends before we developed these feelings so neither of us are threatened by aggravation or irritation. But it sure wasn't conductive to trying to develop safe, good, trust feelings. The goal is to drive defenses down, not throw more walls up.

I also agree with Fonduman about how the world judges. Its awful. Such pressure on both sides to be a certain look/size/personality/status and it is just all so shallow. My sweeties shyness is excruciatingly painful for both of us but it endears him to me. I don't want to change HIM at all. I just want him to conquer the fears that steal all the joy in life he so deserves.

Have you tried talking openly about this and your feelings to him? The only advice i can give is to try and take away his fears as much as possible, make it clear you wont reject him when he tries something or even when he does something wrong. Also be patient.

Anyway, good luck!

Thank you so much for your very good advice and encouragement. It is absolutely right on and very much appreciated.

As far as talking openly about it, its such a sensitive subject so we don't talk about it directly. I know its already so embarrassing to him, I try not to call attention to it. I know he's working on it all the time. He knows that he can tell me anything and nothing would ever change. But sometimes it does feel like 'an elephant in the room'.

Again, thank you for the encouragement. You guys rock. I read here all the time, hoping someone will find answers. I do wish you all the best.

Not all girls are beasts. Yup, alot are...........but not all of us. Hang in there.

I think sooner or later one of you two will have to talk openly about it/take a chance/make a move/put himself in a vulnerable position and open up to the other one how he or she feels otherwise it might never happen.

I'm listening. Even though you not talking to me. but since it is my thread.

I'va been very afraid to talk about it myself. Partly because in my case I have interpreted his behaviour as lack of interest, and partly because I'm afraid to offend him.

Any tip anyone? In fact everything anyone has written gives me more courage to handle things.

Can you please give me more. It's like I need som kind of green light or something. Someone has to give me instructions.
I'm ready to go to great lengths but I'm afraid to do something wrong.

The only thing i can add is that if you don't talk about it at some point you will end up regretting it later on in your life. When you feel that strongly about someone its worth it to take a chance. You also have to think that you are worth it, worth it having your feelings reciprocated.

Sometimes I feel like he wants me to show how deep my love is, before he can trust me.

Is that thinking in the right direction?

Yes, i think so. But remember i talk about it from my perspective and what would work for me, he might be a more severe (love)shy guy then i am/was.

I would just try to be honest with him how you feel about him. Btw, those guys are lucky to have women intrested in them that are genuingly trying to make an effort to understand him. I really hope things work out for you guys.

i'd say that'd help. we feel more confident sharing our own feelings if we're sure they won't be rebuked or rejected. if a girl is giving me hints but nothing decisive, then I won't respond.
I don't think you have to go as far as say you "love" him, just make your intentions clear in a gentle way (not too sexual)

You already have a green light. Its HIS green light you need to find the strength and courage to help him to see is there. This is love in action. We have to remember that love isn't just kisses and hugs and what it can do for us. Love isn't love till you give it away.

This thing that he and I deal with has made me grow as a person as well. I have had to conquer my silly insecurities and belief in false worldly models and live true. Its been a big experience for me.

So first of all, I go with what I KNOW to be true. I love this person. Through and through. To his core. While I want to be with him madly, I have told him from the start that if I can NEVER be near him, I can only be with the Invisible Man, then so be it.

The next thing you have to remember is that you have to be careful with perception. Our reality is based on what we as individuals believe. One thing about my sweetie....is when he DOES talk, he is very honest. Right to the point, he says it like he feels and like it is. While me, being a woman, say alot of words and paint alot of pictures with multitudes of words, he is not that way. So I have to be careful, very careful, not to put words to what he DOESNT say. This can be hard perception wants to do that. So, I write him a letter, with a million words, pouring out my heart and he doesn't even REPLY, my first reaction is "Oh. He read what I wrote and didn't care about it at all and didn't respond....therefore, he doesn't care" I struggled with this for a VERY long time. HOW DO I KNOW WHAT HE FELT? I do not. Countless other times, almost EVERY other time, if I would send a short text message, or ask him a pointed question or send him something I made, the response was immediate and positive. So perhaps it's not what I think. And when I would speak this thought out loud to him, I would get a response something like "Haven't I always told you that" and I would scratch my head and think to myself "No???" So don't you see, messages that we send to another human being whether they are verbal messages, body language messages is the same problem to think about. Its not what's being sent and received. Its what we PERCEIVE those messages say. So I sort of live my life knowing that this disorder creates a "language barrier". I cannot always think I understand what he is NOT saying. Because I cannot. Our brains are always giving us a running commentary but we cannot see in another's brain so we do not know exactly what is going on in there.

Let's say I had a man that had no arms. And he had NEVER had any arms. And lets say that I wanted a hug from him. But what if he has no idea what a hug does, feels like to give and perhaps he has lived in a cave his whole life and never RECEIVED a hug. Use your imagination here to try to follow this thought. Maybe the cave man has SEEN hugs before, but he really has no idea what they do, why they are for and he thinks he cannot give a hug because one needs arms to give a hug and he doesn't have any. Perhaps in his perception, they make no sense to him and perhaps look a little violent! Confusing to him because he hears sounds that people hugging make and they appear to be nice sounds but then again, these people are crushing each other like snakes! But people talk about hugging and its all over the TV people hugging and it is supposed to be nice? His big toe was squeezed once very hard maybe and it really, really hurt and so a hug makes no sense to him. The idea of one makes fear swell up in his mind and his initial reaction is to draw away. If I saw this man for the first time and I went up to him to hug him and he drew away, my first thought might be that he is rejecting me. But if we KNEW what was in the man's mind, we would know that isn't so at all.

So that is sort of a silly example, but it is true. We cannot KNOW what another is experiencing. Have you ever considered that instead of your man pulling back from you out of revulsion that WHAT IF your attentions instead had him so overwhelmed with these emotions, feelings, desires, that he really has no good experience, that has hurt him in the past, that he is simply trying to process them? He trusts you. He knows deep in his heart that you love him. He is not used to unconditional love because this world is so conditional. I know with my sweetie, that he is very very logical, a science mind, and he needs times to process things correctly. Its just the way his mind works. Me, on the other hand, I am a creative spirit. Sometimes when I talk, I use words that paint images that are abstract to him and it CONFUSES him. I know, because he's told me, that he does enjoy that part of me but it takes him time to understand it because it's so NOT how he thinks!

I wrote you a private message last night, not because I do not want to talk openly in the forum, but because I wrote some thoughts to you that I actually would not want my sweetie to read yet. (and if you're reading this, SWEETIE, *blows rasberries*) But maybe it was too long because this morning it is still in my outbox. And I have to go to work but I will deal with that later.

So I just wanted to come here this morning to first of all encourage you. You cannot take his 'rejection' or silence or cancellations and avoidances as REJECTIONS of your advances unless he has clearly told you so. I know that I am telling you right because I have gone to my Sweetie after a perceived rejection and out right asked him if he didn't like it, or if he was rejecting, or if he didn't want me to do/say something and I would get a exasperated(there is that word again! Weary/frustrated is the picture I am painting) and RESOUNDING "NO!!!!! I DO WANT YOU!!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU!" And I would sit and scratch my head and think "YOU DID???????????"

So that is the first thing. Get rid of your perceptions. Act on what you KNOW. If you KNOW you love this person, love is the universal language. Just love him. You may not be able to love him with your body or maybe even your words right now. Be creative. Find other ways to show/convey your love to him. If he is like my sweetie, he takes awhile to warm up. But when he does, he will sizzle. Don't worry about making mistakes. Deep down he is more than likely very impressed with your patience and grateful he's got such a friend as you. I'm sure he's not ever had anyone like you. So hang in there. This is not a common disorder. So you have a RARE man. But one thing I have found in this world in my years is that things are not always what they seem. What the world/media says is desireable/lovely/worthy is not real at all. One thing I do know about my man is that he is as REAL as it gets. And while he may not act like what the world says a man should act, I have seen how men can act and I DONT WANT THAT. Been there, done that. NO THANK YOU.

What I have is a very sensitive, caring to the umpteenth degree, TRUE BLUE, loyal, trustworthy man who is so intelligent it is mind boggling. And while I have not seen him up close before and he doesn't like that I've seen them, I HAVE seen pictures of him and oh wow. He has the most gorgeous eyes on the planet and lips that are in trouble if I ever get mine on them and while I wouldn't care if he was green with scales, he is GORGEOUS and I can't believe he hasn't been snatched away by some chickie yet. But hes not exactly snatchable LOL so I should be GRATEFUL!

I will share with you a great clip from one of me and my sweetie's favorite movies and advice that we have both given to each other. I wonder if it wasn't his way of 'telling' me that he needed this as well. But that is my perception again. But regardless, it is great advice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncFCdCjBqcE