First excuse me for my english. It's not my native tounge.

Then to the case. As the title says. I'm deeply in love with a man I believe is love- shy. He has given me hints that that would be the case.

We've known each other for years, and always liked each other, but then something happened between us, and it became obviuos that we both had "such" feelings for each other. But he was "all over the place" in his demeanour towards me.
He was flirtasious when he was sorrounded by others he felt safe with. With others he didn't even recognised that he knew me. That took me ages to figure out the pattern of.

And if we where one on one, he fled lika a deer. When alone he is afraid of being physically close. At first a few yards felt proper. But when other people around he can pass me by so close that we nearly touch. He is afraid to go into my apartment. He can show a little emotions when we are about to part.


It has been occations when he is occupied by other things, and on theese occations he can talk and I don't notice any nervousness. I seldom do anyways.

I have realised that he has some kind of social anxiety, and he feels scrutinised.

I have registsred here i in the hope of getting some adwice. How to help. He is a relly nice guy.

I have come a little bit further with by treating it lika a fobia. Trying to prove my self as nice and trustworthy. And really showing him I'm interested for sure.

I gave him a very romantic gift, and he showed up on the place where we usually bump in to each other, but ha was scared stiff. I tried to make him losen up by kidding with him. (joke a little) But he was terrified.

On that occassion I wasn't even sure he was interested, becaus of his what I believe odd behaviour.

Anyways - can you try to explain what triggers the fear. Is it a kind of stagefright, that he thinks (I) demand a certatin behaviour on his behalf?

In a way any woman does, and we had had some mishaps on that regard, he let me wait for a rather long time for example, and I thought he was disrespectful.
Now I realise that he tries to delay things

Sometimes he answers when I call him and sometimes he don't.

Any thoughts? Please He is an adult, he has had a girlfriend several years ago, he has had bad experiences where he has been rejected.

Hi and welcome.

It seems like you are going about this the right way. With loveshys, you need to make all the moves. You're right, it is a phobia and like all phobias, it can be treated with RPS (Repetitive Positive Stimuli). As a recently cured love shy, I can tell you that having repeated experiences where nothing seemed so bad worked wonders. I've had the same effects (though to a lesser extent) with my arachnophobia. The only thing is, he is unable to cure himself on his own. He needs someone else to give him the experiences and you're doing fine with that. You just need to be patient with him. One of the other things I will always say is, don't let him run away. If you want to go out with him, do it there and then, don't organise a date. During the time between the agreement and the actual date he will keep worrying about what might happen and build up a load of fear and anxiety and as such, he may not turn up and make up some flimsy excuse.

Good luck

Keep being persistent if you really love him. But give him time too. Good luck.

Thanks !



tell me about it.... He allways cancelles, even little things

But seriously do! What happens in his head, I don't know how to say this in english Free translation then "catastrophic thinking" ? Can you giv me an example?

And for that above I though he had what I would translate to expectation anxiety. Becaus if I say what I want to discuss (business) he does'nt flee

Thanx alot.

Welcome to the forum.

Please remember everybody is different, and every loveshy will be different so advice that might work for some might not work for others.

My advice, try to take away his fears as much as possible, his fears of rejection, his fear of doing something wrong when in your presence when trying something with you and so on...

This was really valueable. Thanx!

I really need help how to think, I have done somethings wrong, because I've been thinking the wrong way.

Can someone eplain this fear of physical closenes? I mean stand close to me.
Does he want me to touch him? I have done that. He does not respond.
Unless I hit him as a respons of him teasing me. Then he smiles.

Shall I hug him? Hu hugs everyone but me...But it's greeting hugs.

I'm thinking - what will happen if I ring his doorbell?
I used to bee in a place where I could bump in to him. Im not anymore.

It could simply be fear of doing something wrong when in your presence and you rejecting him afterwards. It might not be logical but that could be it.

flirtatious with others around, but scared when alone.

That sets off warning bells. I've never heard of LS that disappeared in front of other people.

If he is conventionally LS, then he is acting terrified most probably because he is afraid that if he displays his feelings for you that you will see him as a bad person. Ever seen films where there's these lewd, lusty perverts, and the women are disgusted by them? He probably feels guilty for having sexual urges on an unconscious level, because he associates it with depictions like that.

I should have wrote more courageous. And that happens when he has young people around him.




I understand, and I have sensed that that might be the case.
Could it be that it's rather "steamy" between us that he doesn't want to be so close to me.

From my part, when we found out that we had a sparkle betseen us, it was a really strong sparkle. Noone has ever made me go running om all cylinders like that. That scared me a little. It was so strong. (maybe because this has been an unconsious desire from my part)

How on earth do I deal with that being shy myself?

His behavior seems fairly consistent to me. When he's around people he doesn't know very well, it makes sense that he'd go to greater lengths to avoid being seen as something he wouldn't want to be seen as, or at least teased about his lady friend. On the other hand, when he's around people he's known for a while, he can relax knowing that they aren't going to be so quick to judge him. And as for him being the most stressed in one-on-one situations, I think we agree that it's to be expected.



Anwyay, shame leads to compartimentalizing things, to adopting different personas in different situations. But if you manage to get him comfortable with you in one-on-one situations, he will also feel more comfortable being with you in social situations.

Just to illustrate: During my first proper "date" with my girlfriend, she brought a friend of hers... I ended up talking mostly to the friend and ignoring my girlfriend almost completely. They were both strangers to me, but the stakes were a lot lower with the friend because I didn't have feelings for her. And yet, after we had already gotten comfortable with each other, I met her family, a new set of strangers, and this time I had my girlfriend to fall back on. Bottom line, you can turn things around.

Small Pink Blob - your answer make sence. When he is in danger of being ridiculed. That's when he doesn't know me.
Or when he isn't in control of his feelings.
Blushing or so

One person was safe for him, until he started to talk and joke about sex with me. That made him uncomfortable. Clearly.
After that he shyes me (avoid) when that person is arround.

Thank yo all for feed back

I'm very grateful

Hi there, I'm very glad that you posted here. I am a member here because I too, am in love with a man that suffers from this. I don't post openly here anymore because it would upset him if I talked about him publicly. Of course no one would know who he was, but he would. And I don't want to hurt him any more than he is already hurting.

That being said, I am sorry for what you are going through and just want to encourage you. While I am not making much progress myself in helping my sweetie over his anxieties, I have to believe that love will heal it eventually. I'm not going anywhere. You are lucky your man can at least be in your presence. Mine can't. He wants to. He just can't and that makes sense to NOBODY except for the people here maybe and that's why I come here. Its a lonely world for us who suffer by association too. I have no one to talk to about it, no one can understand it. It hurts. I hurt for him, I hurt for me.

Don't give up on him. If he's as special as mine is, he is worth the wait/fight. Don't give up.

I find that this is probably very true in my world. He told me something similar himself. Before I understood there was such a thing as loveshy, and I was exasperated because I didn't understand at all why he couldn't get near me, he made a comment to me once in exasperation himself.

When I asked him WHY it was different with ME than with every other human in the world(or so it appeared to me) he said with total exasperation, "Because I CARE!!!!!!" As if I should have known that all along

Just remembering that makes me smile because I do so get him. I adore the ground I think he walks on

if your case is still such that you can't go near him, I think it must be an extremely severe case, or something else is going on. either way, you may want actual help with it. it's certainly worse than any case on this site.

Another thing The Woman, you might consider trying...is to seperate the man from the 'disability'. My sweetie isn't LOVESHY, he suffers from loveshy. It's not HIM, it's his amygdala that is over reacting. I think this helps him, helps both of us. And I let him know that this problem is mine too. We both suffer from the effects of this. Sometimes it makes him act weird, sometimes it makes me act weird. It's just how it is RIGHT NOW. I keep the following saying on my desktop:

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” IF that saying is true, and I believe it is, I am in love with the strongest man in the universe. And as soon as he sees what I see, he will have the courage to act on the truth because I do believe he loves me that deeply.