Hello everyone

I am new to this site. I'm looking for help or advice for my isolated/love-shy friend.

Here is the story:

My friend and I used to be good friends. Talk on the phone to each other etc. Then it stopped because he became isolated and lost contact with all his friends. He suffers with Social Anxiety and Schizo-affective Disorder. His isolation has caused him a lot of depression and stress. He rarely goes out. Doesn't answer the door or phone to anyone. The only contact he has is with his parents on a three week gap.

We haven't spoken to each other for 18 months. I have sent him a letter once a month and send a text/phone call once every two weeks. I do this because I value his friendship and love him very much.

A year ago, he had a breakdown. When I rang his mobile phone, I got the message, You have dialed an incorrect number. Please check the number and redial. I got very concerned but two weeks later, I dialed the number again. The phone was working.

Nine months ago, I went to his flat and became friends with his neighbour. I got very concerned and wanted to know how he was. The neighbour gave me some insight about my friend. Saying he doesn't have anyone come see him and he is extremely isolated. He took my details and informed me he would get in touch the moment he sees my friend. That same day, I was very lucky to knock on his front door and talk to him. My friend didn't answer the door but he was listening.

That evening, his mum rang me to let me know my friend was ok. He wouldn't speak to me on the phone because he was very shy. Laughing and blushing. My friend doesn't have much experience with women. So he blushes and gets shy when I make contact. She did say I could contact her again to find out how he is doing.

After that call, he didn't contact me. I knew with his fear/anxiety he wouldn't. This was nine months ago. Since then, I have done the same - one letter a month.

Three months ago, I tried to phone his mobile phone and the same message that happened a year ago. You have dialed an incorrect number. Please try the number and redial. Left it a few months and tried his phone number again last night and it's still the same.

Reasons for my friend's isolation

We just spoke more on the phone more then we did face to face. He got into touch with his other friends but after they didn't bother with him, he sank deeper into isolation. My friend prefers to be with friends in person more then talking on the phone.

We went out for a meal one time with his father. My friend was incredibly nervous to sit next to me but his father got him too. Once we were alone together, he started to open up to me. He was laughing. He stared hard into my eyes and started to look at my lips. Once his father was around, my friend was in a shell. Wouldn't speak etc. My friend's dad is an emotional abuser. My friend's low self esteem is because of his father. That night he was very happy. He even admitted to me once in a conversation, that he was happy being with me.

Part of my friend's condition is having mood swings. His father is the kind of person, who will snap at him for being moody. You speak only when I say and if you are rued to me, you will get a rued comment said at you. That's what my friend's dad is like. So my friend thinks he is a bad person to be around with. So he avoids all social contact because of his bad experience with his dad.

We used to talk a lot to each other on the phone. He doesn't feel comfortable with hanging around with females due to not having much experience with them. When I went down there to speak to him, he was listening. I got in touch with his mum and asked her to contact me to let me know how he was doing. She phoned me and I could hear him lauging, giggling and blushing in the background. His mum said, he was extremely shy to talk to me.

His relationship with his mother is not very close. She is not aware of my friend's isolation. She is not emotionally involved within his life. He has no friends. No one comes to visit him. He spends most of his life alone in his flat.

I am the only friend/person who makes contact but his extremely shy to talk to me. With his love-shyness it is hard to reach him.

Can someone advise me please?

Keep on showing him that you care, that you won't go away

This.

This guy sounds like a mirror image of me. Only difference is, no one bothered looking for me.

Glad you found this place, it will help you to help him.

The advice given by The Woman is very sound. Build that trust, love him unconditionally.

Consider you have a garden you are cultivating. Plant the seeds, don't dig them up to see how they are doing and care for your garden.

If you have in your man what we have in ours, you will one day have a very beautiful, bountiful garden indeed.

You are not alone in this.

Thank you all for the replies.

A friend of mine suggested to me, the best way i can help him and to gain trust is to go down to his flat every couple of weeks and stand outside his front door to talk to him. They felt this is the best way for him to get used to me and to help him feel more comfortable.

I know being with people makes my friend happy.

Do you think this is a good way to help him?

yes, don't push. Don't active try to lur him to open the door.
He will do that when he is ready

Great find

I had to smile when he put on the oxygen mask.

What do you mean?

Yes, don't try to force anything. I made that terrible mistake once. Make sure it's ok for you to even do that. I made the mistake of thinking I would just show up and this way I could prevent him the anxiety of worrying about face to face. What I managed to do was trap him. He happened to be outside taking out the trash and I was between him and his safety zone. I left quickly enough, realizing what I had done, but he didn't know/trust that I had left and stayed out in the rain for hours till he was certain the coast was clearn:(

What you could do is send THINGS as well. If your finances allow, send things that remind of you to his home. Perhaps a movie that you both have in common. A token of a private joke you both share. If there are safe things in his flat that REMIND of you, its sort of like you are already there and another way to get used to having you around. And it will be pleasant memories which he really needs.

Just that I thought it was a very, very good way to show the anxiety Jack was feeling while trying to conquer it. When he put the oxygen mask on, I just so got it. I didn't smile because it was funny, I smiled because I understood and thought it was a great way to show the severity of the anxiety without being overdone.

The fact that they even tried at all is breath taking. I know because I've spent the last 6 months in isolation myself. I've had dreams of people doing something like this for me. And deep down, a part of me still wants something like this to happen. But I'll be honest, I already know it never will. No one cares. Knowing that, why should I? A life without a friend is like death without a witness...

This really guts me. I'm sorry for your pain. You deserve better than you've got.

While I do not suffer loveshy, I do have experience with unwanted isolation and an acute feeling of being dead even though I'm still breathing. I do not know a soul in this town aside from 'sweetie', who cannot be near me. I have totally withdrawn from my previous life because 1) it was poisonous anyway 2) well meaning friends/family do not understand why I need to live my life the way I do right now and discourages me to the point that pulling away from them is less painful than allowing them entry into my life. I work from home. I see no one but the check out girl/guy at the grocery store once a week. When I walk down the street, I feel invisible. Life has gone on without me and its like being dead but still breathing, because its like I can view the world that forgot I existed. I feel like a ghost. I deactivated my facebook today. Not because I don't like to keep up on what people are doing, its just that people that I used to fit in with got so used to me "not being around" and didn't understand why that now its like I no longer exist.

I fluctuate between total despair and an exhilarating sense of freedom that I can now create my OWN world because I don't have to prove myself to ANYONE. But I crave human companionship too. I shudder to think of this life without ever being touched, looked at with eyes that recognize your face, someone to be waiting for you when you walk in the door..even if its just from the grocery store. I realize that there is a possibility that this is the way it will be for the rest of my life. It hurts. I realize it is my choice to live this way. I'm not REALLY alone. I do have my friend on the telephone. But I have to constantly fight the feeling of "he knows how much I hurt, am I THAT scary/not desirable ENOUGH that I make even him run away from me"

It sucks. I do wish better for you. I'm pulling for you. Please don't give up.

yes, don't push. Don't active try to lur him to open the door.
He will do that when he is ready[/quote]

Yes. I agree with you.

I have only visited my friend once this year. It was his birthday just over a week ago. I bought him a gift and card and left it in his letterbox. I left a note under his door to explain it to him. The moment I slid the letter under his front door, he walked up to the door to collect the letter.

I know his dad has been staying with my friend lately. Usually when his dad comes down, that's a bad sign. When my friend has relapses his dad always comes down.

I leave notes under his front door because he doesn't leave his flat for days.

I may just visit once every two weeks and stand outside to talk for about ten minutes each time. Start off small steps because I don't want to overwhelm him.

Does that sound like a good ideas?

I second this!