I came out of the no-DSR closet to a woman I see regularly (I'm going to see her in a few hours, actually). She has recommended that I read The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld.
I'm hoping it will be a dispassionate reference manual to what a "normal" male sexuality it supposed to be. I'm an engineer and I read manuals for a living.
Let me know if you like it. It might be helpful to me too, because of my previous relationship, and many thoughts and feelings that had created.
Ugh. I've been in therapy for years (I'm not now). And in those years I learned that that is called a violation of boundaries.
Yes that happening on many occasions really messes you up. I have also went to therapy and I got my self worth by her telling me thees things and making me see my strengths, and that it wasn't I who had the problem
I believe my lack of self esteem goes down to me being the scapegoat in the family
My relationship with my parents was similar. I'm sure my mom also went through my things. In a sense I served as my mom's peer, friend, and husband because my dad couldn't fill those roles. When I'd go to the movies with my little siblings my mom would always insist on coming. That made me uncomfortable until I learned how to say no.
My parent's where quite narcissistic and the essence in their parenting is that they expect their children to be their parents.
What you describe I'we seen plenty of times, women who uses their sons to act as their men, that's is dysfunctional (is this the proper term? ) Children should be allowed to be children end of story. I guess you as I never was allowed that.
My therapist said that my upbringing was very much like growing up with an alcolist, and she said that I was what is known as Invulnerable/resilient child.
That explained a lot for me. I wasn't the one who was strange. I rather was the white sheep i a herd of black sheep
That's called asserting your boundaries (see, I'm learning). In the chaos and bustle of my sister's birth my dad couldn't stick around (the coward: I'm also angry). In a sense, I stepped in. But not because I wanted to. And in the aftermath my mom would tell everyone, "Oh! andrewharlan was there when my daughter was born!"
I have been thinking a lot about you. I'm glad you spoke up to me earlier (asserting boundaries) It gave me a lot to think about. One often wants to help and offer empathy and compassion, but if one is ignorant one gives what one think is right, not what the other person really needs.
Your reaction made me aware of that fact that I was doing exactly what presumptuous therapist had done to me, and that is a kind of violation of borders too. Being presumptuous I mean.
I guess with all your different experiences of sexuality, it's most important what YOU felt at the time. The one who knows how big an overstep it was each time is you. The people around you can make a much bigger overstep. ( I did one, sorry for that again)
I have a male friend who was approached by a man in a toilet at an airport as a young boy. He was more tormented by his family's reactions on the incident, than of the incident itself. His grandma was afraid it could "catch".
Having said that - that it is your reactions, it,s your body who can tell what it is or what it isn't. I just must say that your mother's behaviour is disgusting.
A birth can be a trauma on any man. And a Child... How self absorbed can a person get!!! Was she plain crazy!!! This really upsets me.
And because I thought what happened was a good thing I told all my high school friends, "Oh! I was there when my sister was born!" Some people gave us funny looks. And yeah, years later in therapy I realized that was another violation. Almost trauma.
Of course it was a trauma poor you, this is what we do in good faith... And then your school friends reactions. But remember they didn't reaction because of what you did - but her make you do it Remember that.
My dad wasn't any better. He felt entitled to waltz into our rooms without knocking.
This makes me angry aswell, this is a violation of borders.
Again my parents where narcissistic, they have no boundaries. Living with them is lika being a "cusoms monitor" You can never relax.
I yelled at him one time and even now I refuse to stay over at their house. I always get a hotel (my friends have asked why).
Yes one yells and they don't even react.
I must ask you. As a female, one part of my fears on giving myself to an man I realise that has sprung from this not beeing allowed too have boundaries.
A not realistic fear of mine is being afraid of being engulfed (is it the wright word)
My therapist often talked about being psychological obliteratied (I'm trying to describe borders being violated. It's like you're being devastaded - hope things come out proper in the translation)
I believe I have made a connection between intimacy and being devastaded (is there a stronger word for it. Because the picture in my head is a country being looted and burned)
He was emotionally distant and extremely authoritarian too. As a traditional, Latin American, and Roman Catholic man he believed in corporal punishment. I call it physical abuse.
What do you do with all your rage? My therapist told me to get it out, chopping woods or something.
Like your father, it was always his needs before my own. Want to hear the first thing that came out of his sorry mouth when I told him about my sexual molestation? "I can't believe you told your mother first."
"It's all about me". Hey? Disgusting shithole (sorry but It makes me angry aswell)
I was looking for goddamn support, not to hurt his fragile little ego. I hate him for that. So much.
good for you! I can relate so much
Writing that made me cry. But it's socially unacceptable for men to cry.
It's a man who can't cry that hits you know. If I could I would hold you.
College was rough. I was depressed before I knew what depression was. I told my parents that I was contemplating suicide. And my dad, in his infinite wisdom, came out with, "How dare you! Suicide is a sin! Your life belongs to God and it's precious blah blah." Thanks dad. See also: I loathe Roman Catholicism (I'm sorry Zeek, but it's true).
I will stop here.
I didn't even bother to tell my parents of my attempts
What is bold?
I feel very strong for your situation. I don't know if it's the same but I travel back to my childhood of emotional negligence and constant holding ones breath and being observant of any threats coming my way.
My therapist told me I was sensitive like a seismograph.
(sorry bout my shitty english