I am here, quite hesitantly, because I think I have reason to be concerned. I am not sure what I expect from posting here, but I really needed to get this out there somehow.

I think I was 13 when I first began to notice girls and form attractions. It wasn't long before I developed the impression that I was on the outside looking in. When high-school was over I still had never kissed a girl, or even held hands! But, I chalked it up to bad luck and looked ahead to university with hope. I told myself something that I would repeat every year for years to come: "by this time next year you will most likely have a girlfriend." To me it seemed like everyone else around was out dating and romancing, my time must be any day now. I told myself this when I was 19, when I was 20, 21, 22, 23, and on, until one year I just stopped. Now I am 31, and I am still in the same boat I was in when I was 13.

There were a couple of girls who I spent time with during my mid-20's. I really liked these girls, and I knew they were interested in me - one particularly beautiful girl even gave me her number! she did half the heavy lifting for me! But one night after the other I backed down from the lines I had rehearsed, and eventually she moved on, and now I am left to think of what might have been. She is now married, of course.

A couple years later I found myself driving a lovely girl out to a music festival. We would go on to spend a lot of time with each-other, and the same trend as before would be repeated. I remember watching a movie with her, and she put her head on my shoulder. I wanted so much to do or say something, but I couldn't. Perhaps it is pathetic to say, but I will never forget her head on my shoulder.

Anyway, I think you get the drift.

Yet, I always remained hopeful. I somehow always thought my time was yet to come. Maybe I haven't met a girl that I love so much that I just could not let her go without saying something. I was still thinking it was bad luck. Then, one day last week I came across the wikipedia page for loveshyness, and I was shocked to see such an accurate description of my life. It was scary, actually, because if this is something that I am struggling with then the prognosis doesn't seem great if I don't seek help. But, I am not the type to go have sex with a surrogate or an escort (not for moral reasons, mind you), and if that is a part of the "cure" then I will take this solitude with me until the end, which I hope is not for many years to come. Maybe I will never find love, maybe I will never have children, what seems most important to me is that I find a way to be content with that.

By nature I am optimistic. I depart from the wikipedia account of loveshyness in this: I am not overly cynical about the world, I get along great in groups and in one-on-one situations, I do not resent or hate women - I love them! I always get on great with women.
I am hopeful that the next time I meet someone I will not let it go down as it has before. But, I cannot put all my eggs in that basket. I heard about someone who set an ultimatum for himself; that by the time he was 40 he would be where he wanted to be - now that person is dead by his own hand. Don't make ultimatums. That is the lesson I took from that. I will continue to hope for the best, to try and push myself beyond my comfort levels, but I will defy the notion that I am somehow living life less abundantly because I am single. I think that I could live a life worthy of pride being celibate and alone. I enjoy my solitude, I would not want to give it up for just anyone. I like who I am, and if the events of my past have made me who I am, then I feel that I can own this past. I love the quite night, a thought-provoking book, reflecting on big questions, a child-like curiosity and wonder about the world. I love people, I love laughing, and I love making people laugh. I wouldn't change these things if I could. But, if I had jumped easily into the dating world when I was 13, maybe I would have turned out much differently. So, I don't know if I would change anything.

There is nothing to be ashamed of if you are a 40-year-old virgin. This is unique! It something not many experience. This is my angle.

Still, I am a romantic at heart. I would love to meet someone, to fall in love, to have children (I think I would be a great father!) But, now I am afraid that I am fooling myself if I say, "it's only a matter of time." It may not be.

I guess that is all I have to say right now. I could go on forever about the role of religion in all this. Suffice it to say that I now loath what religion does in creating sins out of completely natural activities. Until I was 20 I was a voluntary celibate, soon afterwards I was one involuntarily, but the damage was already done, I guess.

Any thoughts on this, or questions about it, would be welcome!

I was hoping someone else would post first, but I had to say that I related to all that you said. I fit into the paradigm of despair though. Your optimism may make others hate you here. Perhaps, that is why they are so silent. Bitterness makes some of us unable to see the forest for the trees.

Regardless, I am 31 as well. I counted the years by in my journal thinking next year I'll have a good laugh at all those lonely nights. Another year draws to a close and I make no progress. Like you, I "really" found out about girls around 8th grade or so. I missed every opportunity I had - some were handed to me much like yours, but in all cases I did not take the initiative. Life is cruel in this way.

One recommendation, though I'm not one to give advice, is never put any girl on a pedestal. Do not turn any of those girls you met into some kind of imaginary princess that needs your rescue. Do not fantasize about them. Let them go; let them disappear. Forget about them and move on. It will save you the endless heartache I endured.

Sanguine, my Brother!

Thank-you, I must say I found your avatar pretty heartbreaking.

I don't know, maybe I am pulling a fast one over on myself with my optimism. Maybe I still don't fully understand the gravity of what I am learning about myself, maybe I still don't even fully believe it! Maybe once I hit 40 and nothing has changed I will fall into despair, but more than anything else in the world I do not want that to happen. And I feel that, almost out of survival, I really must find a way to avoid it.

A couple of years I ago I started to read philosophy books. I think it has been good in giving my over-active my mind something to focus on other than the dull aching of my depression. I have found fulfillment in trying to develop a philosophy for my life. Plus, I wouldn't be surprised if many of these thinkers were loveshy! Many were celibate for their entire lives, though they may have made up a sacred (i.e. bullshit) reason for this.

I can feel the chasm beneath me. I have felt despair. I have wondered how long I will survive like this. I have wept myself to sleep. I do not want to give the impression that I am above all of that. But I have hated those occasions more than what brought them on. And so I decided to try and steel myself against this despair.

And I do put women on a pedestal, I know this is a problem. But it is easier to say, "I will stop doing this" then to stop doing it. This has been an issue. There was a girl in highschool that I was attracted to. We both went to the same city after we graduated. I developed an aching desire, and thought that I might love her. But, I never said anything, of course, until one night I got wasted and phoned her. She was a good friend, so she came by - she was a little worried. Sitting beside her on the curb I told her I loved her. But, I didn't remember any of this the next day! A couple of months later she asked me about it, and I confessed these feelings. I got the, "someone just like you, but not right now" routine, and then she kissed my hand. I drove to a parking lot by myself and wept hard. I form intense feelings, but I am aware of this. I think being self-aware is a step in the right direction for dealing with these obsessions.

Anyway, I am sorry if people hate me because I wish to remain positive and optimistic about living. I find that hard to accept, but fine. Hate away. I wonder if there is at least one person out there who will now be rooting against me, hoping that I also sink into deep despair? That is in itself a sad thought, but hang in there, it may yet happen!

Welcome.

I don't think anyone will hate you for optimism, there are some optimistic people here, they're just over shadowed by the bitter angry people who don't see the point of optimism anymore. My advice is to be as optimistic about yourself and your situation as much as you want, just try not to tell other people to be optimistic since a lot of them feel they have nothing to be optimistic about and it'll only tick them off. Try not to let the anger and bitterness around here here rub on to you and make you feel like you have no hope, let your life decide your attitude not the life of someone else not matter how similar your lives may be.

more INFPs
welcome, though. I relate a lot to what you say. there are certain ways to improve LS. I'm still nowhere near approaching girls IRL... but I have recently been able to tell a girl online she gave me an erection that is pretty huge progress. I can share some of the ways I've seen for improvement if you want.

Bakedsquid,

We often derail threads here too, so do not be surprised at that. There are certain members or hot button topics/key words that will set people to go nuclear. If anything, this forum is for people to express what they feel. Some of us are logical, I'm more emotional. You'll find your place. In any case, this "club" if you can call it one is a lonely one. I never knew there were people like me until the Internet made bridges to places I've only read about in books like Australia. This problem, imaginary or not, seems to cross continents, SES, and for some even appearances. There are a few women on here too, but they mostly stay away from our conversations/threads for various reasons. Not trying to be a spokesperson, but think of it as a very informal bottom of the ladder introduction. Fonduman and others are vastly more connected, use more hyperbole, actually want out of love-shyness, and are involved in debates than I. I tend to avoid conflict, and to attempt to say exactly what I mean. However, it is not as coherently/cohesively as it ought to be. No amazing observation that I suck at small talk even in real life, have very few friends, and I can kill a thread faster than a moderator on a bad day.

In any case, welcome. Just don't forget to write when you find the exit. I'll be here until the Internet dies or they find a way to make imaginary girlfriends real.

I was going to ask what an INFP is, but then I remembered about the googles
Yes, that is me.

It's funny how you go through life thinking you are unique and can't be labeled, only to find that in many ways you fit into a pretty specific box!

Fonduman, I am always open to tips of course. Who knows, maybe some day, with a little guidance, I will proclaim my erections from the mountaintops

Xanatos30, thanks again for the welcome, it is much appreciated. At the same time I was alarmed at learning about LS, I was also relieved to find that there are others who share a similar story.