I'm just curious. I would think that the two would be completely opposite, but my ex seemed to display traits of both.

similar symptoms can have very different causes

I also wouldn't say they're necessarily opposite.
narcissists care a lot about their image, right? and LS is fear that people will see you as disgusting for possessing sexuality, in a way.

Ah..good point. Thanks Fondu!

Could you tell me more about this

Narcissism is an defense mechanism agains shame. The shame is so big it goes over the tip to the opposite = No shame at all
(can't really explain this good in English but think of it as a coin. Where you have the grandiose self on the one side and on the other side the deepest of depression. A narcissist that can't keep the shame away will fall into a deep pit of despair.

Then regarding diagnoses, it is not an on or of thing, we all are a little narcissistic. However Love_Shyness is per definition another problem it is a neurotic personality not a narcissistic though

So I believe you are right. But I would also say that we all use "defense mechanisms" to avoid pain, but with a difference in to what extent

Well, I posted in this forum a little while ago about my ex and how I believed he was love-shy. He is terrified of talking to women (I had to do all the chasing, work, early on which was a little abnormal for me, but he intrigued me.) I just figured he was shy and, once he got to know me, opened up completely. He is still comfortable talking around me, despite some awkwardness, but has gone back to fearing talking to women. He says he has nothing to talk about and makes his roommate do all the work and initial courting for him. I also think that he may have lost his virginity to me, but I'm not positive because his discussion of his sexual history has always been ambiguous.

Reflecting back on him and the relationship, I have realized some of his perhaps narcissistic qualities that I didn't really pay heed to while dating him. He is extremely materialistic- expensive car, expensive clothes, etc. He is also constantly putting others down and belittling himself (mainly his appearance), but still considers himself the smartest person and greatest at his occupation. He always treated me well until the end, when he put me down (seriously out of the blue), left, and never looked back (until recently).

After a recent meeting with him, he expressed wanting to date other girls, but makes no effort to do so.

I know I'm beating a dead horse. My ex and I are over, but I'm having a hard time just finding closure because trying to figure him out is helping me figure out myself. Why did I fall for him and why was the relationship such a roller coaster?

I remember and "tell me about it"

I would say that his behavior is "learnt" from his family belittling for example.
If he was narcissistic he would not belittle himself, he would adore himself, and required others to do so. Narcissist distort reality, getting close to them you realize that they are mad.

They are really really easy to become very aggressive and attack you if they feel the slightest of critique. You have to tiptoe around them and constantly suck up to them for them to even function normally.

I believe he shut you out because you come to close and that made him to vulnerable to you.

He just might have thrown you out before you got the chance to dump him (this is rather common with traumatized people)

Remember that what people say and show is not necessarily the truth.

In what way was it a roller coaster?

And is my English improving?

Yeah, your English is great!

The relationship started out strong. Of course, it was the honeymoon phase, but we were amazingly good. He told me he loved me after about four months together, but cried the first time he said it. Like it was so hard for him to say. After that, he said it frequently. I, of course, loved him as well. Then, after about eight months together things started going downhill. He would push and pull. He would get drunk, pick a fight with me, and then withdraw. I could just feel him distancing himself, but then he would repeat that he loved me. Even during all this, he invited me to his home for the holidays and I met his family several times. He would tell me that he wanted to move in together and then would act like he never said that.

His background: his parents divorced when he was young. He was raised by a single mom who went through a series of bad relationships. His dad has been married three times and is extremely narcissistic. No siblings, but his mom and grandparents are very loving.

Thanks so much The _woman!

Yep.

In fact I suspect you could have all of the dark triad traits and still be love-shy. OldDayNewDay comes to mind.

I think it would be very difficult to be a narcissist and a pure incel however.

Why?

I believe bad boys are narcissistic or psychopaths

And I guess both TS and I are tormenting ourselves for making a bad choice.

Was it or not, is the big issue for us.

If I shall be frank some of the users here on this forum I don't concider Love-shyness is the main issue. Not like Gilmartin has described the issue.

Of course I could be wrong, and if I am please put me straight. I want to understand what happened as much as the topic starter wants. I answer from what I know about psychological problems. And Narcissism I have a great deal of knowledge from because both my parents are...
This is not what I make up, it has taken years to come to that conclusion.

I chosed my men because they are as far from it as possible

First mistake Asperger (sorry guys)
Next mistake... I don't know?

At least I am not as Ethnocide describes it unwilling to learn and change.
I just want to know where I went wrong, not to repeat that mistake

This is typical neurotic behviour I put the blame on me. As Topic starter does.

Sometimes it's just no one to blame. All participants do the best they can and it still doesn't work out.
Life is difficult, and love even more.

You're right. It's not. Some guys are just plain physically repulsive to women - they don't suffer from a personality defect like love-shyness. They are just unlucky.

Some personality disorders I have less sympathy for than others.

Let me see if I can demystify this issue for you, The_woman, based on my reality.

The longer a guy's been living in involuntary celibacy, the more emotionally damaged he is going to be. The longer a guy lives alone without companionship, the harder it becomes to believe other people's sincerity if they say they like you or love you or are attracted to you. At the same time, years of rejection, socially falling behind your peers, and the taunts of others builds a sense of unworthiness as a human being and a resentment towards women. That sense of unworthiness & resentment takes many years to go away and in some folks it never goes away even if a woman ever finally does show romantic interest. Beyond a certain age, LS/incel men who have never been with a woman will likely have sexual performance problems as well as difficulty with trust and compromise - the 3 cornerstones of a successful relationship.

In short:
Defects in looks and/or personality when we are young lead to loneliness. This loneliness over time erodes at the LS/incel man's ability to be intimate and develop successful relationship skills which, in turn, perpetuates and ensures his continued loneliness - a vicious cycle.

My advice to you & the OP:
If you don't want to deal with this drama, do what other women do to us: reject us and date only guys that have had their 1st sexually intimate relationship prior to age 23. They're likely to be more emotionally well-adjusted then we are.

I'm not sure what you're getting at, Odalis.

really?
I feel I'm better able to be intimate and compromise, for my loneliness.
when you're disillusioned with women, the exceptions are all the more special.
I think you're right about trust. although I don't think it's ever too late to earn it, it's just a little more difficult.

Its possible. From 1-10 I am 9/10 narcissistic. I am ex love shy.