Trying to get all my thoughts in one big post, hope you have the patience
Trapped it's what I call my situation, a feeling of absolute dread about what's ahead of my future.Being on this forum I think you can guess my problems.
I can't relate to others, especially girls, it's as if I'm outside this big circle called social life, where relationships are something normal and easy to obtain, where interactions flow smoothly.My inner world, thoughts, emotions are completely out of tune with the rest of the people.It's seems for me at least that out there there is a consent about what to talk , what your opinion should be, what attitude you should take, about what is normal, acceptable.I really tried to know other people, relate to them.Acceptance is the key word here, I never asked others to change the way I wanted them, didn't want others to fit my idea of ideal world where only I am right, just wanted to fit in, to have a normal life, where every thought, reaction is automatic, pre-determined, where you are just a reflection of society's and your friends ideas
Sounds really dumb when you read it, but all this hell started when I was just 7.I still remember the precise moment, every second of it, when I started crushing on some girl in my class.The feeling was horrible, for days my mind felt foggy, was in a general drowsy mood, where all I wanted was to stare at some distant point and just put myself together.What seemed more weird was the constant pain, physical sensation, literally like a thorn that pushed against my heart with every beat.(This state of being persisted for years, and for me it was a hellish experience).Honestly, it felt like I was on some kind of drug.I was starting to get scared at one point when I realized how bad I feel, that there is no one to talk about it.Tell my parents I literally fell in love at 7?"Daww, such a cute little boy, thinking he likes a girl, let's buy him a toy to distract him".No, this definetly could not happen, what I had was real and painfull,and for the first time I felt the horrible loneliness, a wall between me and others.
My interest for that girl was absolute, her pressence was fear and hapiness at the same time.Looking back at it, it was something purelly romantical, clean, warm and full of kindness, devotion in it's best meaning,nothing sexual.How could she understand it?what was the chance of her feeling the same as me, of her and everybody not laughing at me when they found out?I realized my hopeless situation right at that childish age.Right now, I don't think she was special amongst other girls, it's just that my emotions, chemicals in my brain(because I believe something physical happened to trigger this madness) and just plain randomness worked so that she will be the object of my every thought for a long, long time.
I realized that I won't be the same, that I stepped on some kind of threshold, that my ignorance and happy, cheerfully days where I can just run around like an idiot are over.Regarding other boys, my situation was clear:they where suspicious of girls and looked down on anyone not sticking to the all-male group.They wanted to play football, throw rocks, swear while I watched them never understanding their agression twoards girls their age, never fitting their way of viewing things in general, when I had THAT girl in my thoughts every time.As it turned out, their avoidance quickly turned to attraction by the begining of puberty, but the horrible gap between the minds of others and me was to big to be crossed.
I was and I am underwieght, parents gave me glasses to hold my damaged eyesight in control since I was 4(which was another reason for teasing),started reading books by the age of 6, all of this added to my strageness in a time where I really think better for me would have been to stay with others of my age.
I never told that girl what I felt for her, and all I have to remind me of those horrible days is a constant void, emptiness, the feeling that there is something missing from me, something which others can't understand.We where in the same class for 8 years but we haven't had a normal conversation not even once, found out she lost her virginity when she was 12 or 13, but right now I'm too numb to even care.
Tried to date other girls, counting 6, but all of them ended ugly, letting me feel that I don't belong, that I have to struggle for what others take for granted.
Well thats my story, sorry if it seems stupid, frivolous, I just needed a vent, to feel that I'm not alone in this damned world.