I would like to hear from happily married peole (or, at least, married, even if not so happily) who used to be (and, possibly, still are) love shy (to at least some extent). Tell us your stories. Give us some boost of optimism! So, is anyone of you married? If so, please reply!

I don't think there would be many here...perhaps the original admin/owner, but he probably doesn't come by anymore it seems (which is too bad really).

Greetings everyone,

I joined this forum to answer specifically this post, digged up from archive. I was quite supprsied to see no reply here; successful LS never return here, I suppose

My core problem was (or is still) inability to join/create usual social circles. In catholic country, with conservative upbringing, I was not very worried about girls, honestly beliving that one eventually will cross my path and case will be resolved simply just like that. Oviously, it never happened, so I reached 25 never dated, kissed or stuff. (My prom partner was "fixed" by female classmates, once they heard I'm going to come alone). Because of that I suffered from depressive thoughts, not finished my master studies.

The only possible option for me were online dating sites (to my second supprise: topic rarely discussed here). Too much to tell about, brief timeline instead: first date age 26, first romantic kiss: 14 months later (age 27), sex (my only sexual partner and further wife): 4 months later (age 28), married at age 29, total from first date to successful relationship: 18 months, which sums up for 2 years of trying until success (consulted my blog for that, I don't hold it in my memory). Three or four (mixed signals) women I met before were interested in something (sex or relationship) with me, but either I wasn't into them, or there was no chemistry, or even the girls was not sending right vibes (I suppose those were dating-challenged too). Rejections: one painful LBJF, twice me rejecting or LBJFing the girl, one mutual agreement not to proceed further (my first kiss), those ending after one date or two are not worth mentioning (total number less than 10).

Any questions?

A.J.

Fschmidt and worldtraveler are happily married to foreign women.

A question, though. Did you tell your future wife about your sexual inexperience/virginity before sex? What was her reaction?

With access to whole forum, I'll probably read their stories later.



I didn't have intention to do so, but it popped out from a conversation; after my confession, that never ever a girl treated me so special like her, she gently pressed me to explain. After less than half second mind battle, I told her, because at the moment some awkward beating about the bush seemed much worse than truth. She burst into tears, feeeling sooo ashamed (she thought I was keeping virginity because of religious motives) -- it took some time to comfort her and assure it's not a problem for me, because I'm not so naive to expect a woman at her age (1year younger than me) not to have any sexual experience. Later, I learned she was already deep in love at the time and extremely anxious not to spoil anything ("desperate", some cynic mind would call ) -- so that whole conversation was completely different from all scenarios I played in my head thousand times before, wondering what to tell and how.

Note: I put concealed information about virginity on my blog (nerds over here: what do you show in y category of your Geek Code? ), with intention that even non-geeky girl met online, if really interested in me would decode it and be gentle enough not too ask embarassing questions... it didnt work, duh ;>

A.J.

That's great. Did she keep that totally private, between you and her? Like, did you worry she'd talk to her friends about it, or did you know you had her 100% absolute trust? Was it even a fear of yours?

I have somewhat similar online dating experience like A.J. ... without kissing and sexual part (and marriage) , but there were few women with whom things could have gone / were about to this scenario (kissing and sexual intercourse).

Our only mutual friend was a girl met online: It was her who actually got us together and showed me her profile (otherwise I would not contact her even by chance, because of her profile falling outside my search filters). If we were from same social circle... well, I could probably be worried about that, but as I mentioned before: I had NO social circles at all, at least suitable for girlfriend hunt.

Anyway: before my wife and her friend had some big quarrel and they broken contact (now restored, but very little and cold), they formed a kind of "soulmates" girl couple. I once heard(*) that women discuss sex much different than men: guys talk about whole picture, but chics are into small details, so in the effect they exchange such information as size and shape of their partners' organs (sounds scary, huh? ) Conclusion: she might have told our common friend about that (I dunno), but it never was disclosed more publicly. Actually, I don't remember having a serious conversation about sex in RL with anybody, not even someone discussing sex in public. Cultural differences maybe (Eastern Europe)?

A.J.

A brief flashback about that conversation I overheard on a fandom event (no eavesdropping, a girl was discussing this with another guy, who loudly asked her boyfriend across the room "You belive that??? She says that all her female friends know your penis size!!!") Now focus on the loud one: not very handsome, tall but a little beer-bellied, very talkative, always full of jokes, successful with women, I once saw him kissing a much younger popular girl, later he was in a long relationship with another woman, very attractive too. Already full on envy, aren't you? So was I, belive me. We were not very close friends, so when I heard he suffered from long-time depression and finally committed suicide... No conclusion, I run out of words right now.

I'm happy for you, A.J. It's really good to see a success story on here for once! I'm a 28 y.o total virgin myself, no kisses, nothing, so your story gives me some slight hope I can find someone one day. Um, what does LBJF stand for, pardon my ignorance?

I think he juxtaposed the B and the J and meant to type LJBF "Let's Just Be Friends" aka the dreaded friendzone.

Ugh, I've had that one. Hate that one It's actually one of the worst. Because if she's just some random rude bitch who rejects you, it's easier to get over it. If it's someone you're actually on friendly terms with, and think it may be different this time, it really wounds you. The 'let's just be friends' speech. Gutting. Coz often she doesn't mean 'friends' at all. She means either 'I have no intention of being friends with you. I'm just trying not to crush your feelings', 'casual acquaintance who means nothing to me, really', or 'emotional bitch who I can come crying to for favours and to whine about my jerkoff boyfriend; and in return I'll treat you like an asexual eunuch with no feelings'.

Sorry for confusion, I should use locally known language, not some weird acronym I'd learned on ASS (alt.support.shyness ) This place reminds me of good days on that now desolate and troll-infested usenet group.

She might be all sincere and friendly, but if you have crush for her, all you get is more pain. I actually knew the friend zone theory, but I thought I could handle it... No way, after first meeting on friends ground, I broke all contact with her. I located her FB profile recently, but resist temptation to invite her (not to mention my wife's questions about her )

I, too, have logged in so that I might respond to this particular thread.

I'm now 58 and have been married for 19 years. Until then I was one of the "loveshy." I could have counted the number of times I had had a date with a woman on the fingers of one hand. Was still a virgin at 35, and was feeling worse about it all the time. I could no more ask a woman out than I could have sprouted wings and flown. On the rare occasions when I was actually able to muster the courage to approach a woman, nothing came of it. At the same time, if a woman pursued me (and it actually happened a few times) the fear was crippling, and I would fail to respond. I had had precisely two dates as a senior in high school. Between 1971 and 1978 I was in college (with a two-year gap in the middle when my mother was dying of cancer and I had to drop out temporarily due to a lack of funds). I did not have a single date during that time. Not one. Starting at about age 26 there was a brief flurry of activity when at one point I thought I was well on the way to a relationship with a girl whose former boyfriend had moved elsewhere, but after going out with her only twice [SHE asked ME for the first date, by the way] the door slammed shut: he suddenly returned and that was the last I ever heard from her. I realized then that she had probably known he was coming back and was just looking for someone to keep her company until then. I got the job, which was nice, but having my hopes dashed like that (she was a "fox," too, more's the pity!) left me right where I had been before.

By the time I was 30 I had "figured out" that nothing worthwhile was ever going to happen to me in the love department. I believed I had nothing to offer women, and would be forever alone and would never experience intimacy. Once I started thinking this way, it of course became a self-fulfilling prophecy. This left me feeling no more than half-human, especially since by then all my male friends had been either married or at least been in relationships. I wasn't seeing much of them any more, either, because they all now had someone else to be with. By the time I was 35, then, I had all but given up.

So what changed?

In 1988 I had been playing in Scrabble tournaments for about ten years. These things draw almost as many women as men, and the opportunities for social interaction are good. Even after ten years, however, I still hadn't "connected" with anyone, despite the common interest. Then one of my Scrabble friends clued me in about a woman he had met the previous year at one such event, unmarried at 33 and evidently on the market. We were both going to be at the same tourney in Sept. of that year.

Much to my astonishment, we "clicked" IMMEDIATELY. It was like I had known her for years. She was only the second woman I had ever met in my life who I felt comfortable and at ease being with from the get-go. Before I had left to go back home, she had invited me to come back for a weekend. We lived in separate cities, so our ensuing relationship was "long-distance." Nevertheless, we continued to visit each other, sometimes with me going there (a five-hour drive) or her coming to my place (by plane) or sometimes meeting at a convenient halfway point. This went on for three years before we decided there was no point in waiting to get married anymore.

(In case anyone is wondering, the sex started on our second "date." The first visit she had me stay with a married couple she knew, but the second time I visited, she simply invited me to stay with her. She was a virgin, too. The first time we made love, she was terrified, but it got a whole lot better very quickly, indeed.)

For those still waiting for someone to "click" with, I think the lessons are clear:

1. You simply MUST become more socially active. When I was in college during the '70s, I was on a campus where the ratio of women to men was 3:1. This was certainly favorable for me, but I couldn't "find" anybody because I spent many evenings lying on the bed in my dorm room just staring at the ceiling, unable to face the fears involved with going and actually meeting people.

2. Don't be reluctant to go out with people "recommended" to you by your friends. If they are really your friends, they care about you and want to be able to see you in a rewarding relationship. It may not work (the first time my friend set me up with someone, it went absolutely nowhere) but at the very least you will gain some dating experience.

To all "loveshy" men reading this: I have been there. I know how you feel. I want to encourage you not to give in to negativity. It kills the spirit. Don't become your own self-fulfilling prophecy. You simply can never know when or how someone who is "right" for you will come your way, but it won't do to hide from them.

Indeed they are, you just need a shitload of luck, apparently.

Well, I had figured at least one embittered cynic would reply to my post.

That's OK, I got mine, Jack.