I think a central component element of love shyness is that the 'sufferer' builds the object of his affection into a symbol of everything he most desires about the opposite sex - a sort of paragon of ideal feminine elements. The girl may at first be interested at first, but eventually when the LS person cannot make plain his intentions and desires then she loses interest. LS man then may continue to dream about the love object when reality she has moved on - this has certainly been the pattern in my life.

The first part of this process, what we might call the 'idealization phase' , is, I believe, experienced by many males who enjoy better/'normal' romantic experiences and go on to form relationships and marriages. What differentiates the LS is that he gets stuck in this phase and doesn't want to risk any more. Gilmartin describes this cycle of infatuation very well, and notes how heavy the 'crash' is when realization finally takes hold that the love is unrequited. (Even if this need not have been the case)This crash leads then, inevitably, to depression.

I'm not sure what others think of as oneitis, but this is my interpretation of it, based on my own experience.

With apologies to any females reading this thread,but I believe that this element of love shyness can only be described with this male/female perspective, as males are particularly prone, in fact genetically hard-wired, to respond to females in this idealizing way. Please correct me if I'm wrong, and of course I'm not saying that a woman can't fall in love, from afar, with a man, but I just think women's brains respond to the whole situation in a different way which probably precludes them suffering from 'oneitis' in quite the same way.

I agree with you. Most likely LS guy does not know his oneitis outside of the whatever place it is where he sees her (school, work etc.). He will fill in the blanks with fantasy and wishfull thinking. Of course for him those are "educated guesses based on extremely limited knowledge". A little less messed-up LS might simply force himself in to a state of blessed ignorance.

Try this one:
It's friday 23:00. Do you know where your oneitis is?

Cheap Trick's Song, "The Flame" sums it up best for me:

"You were the first, you'll be the last."

It's just that in my case it was unrequited love rather than a breakup.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muhFxXce ... re=related

I'd participate in the research.

I'm starting to think oneitis/limerence has characteristics of anxiety disorders (probably related to the existing link between love-shyness and anxiety). It is most similar to OCD, except that it doesn't involve compulsions, only the signs associated with obsession (intrusive thoughts, irrational fears, physical anxiety). I believe the name for this is Purely Obsessional OCD. So, if there's a clear, conscious sequence of steps that triggers oneitis, it could be the same that triggers OCD, whatever that sequence is.

Personally I'm not conscious of the inner workings of my oneitis experience, just the effects, but I feel like it just reinforces itself on its own. Sometimes I manage to forget her for a few days, but then I start thinking about her again and fantasizing about being loved by her. When the thoughts become too strong I just have no other option but to look her up online and see what she's been up to, which in turn reinforces even more my feelings. Rationally I know dwelling on it only makes it worse, but the obsession is too strong; I always manage to convince myself to stalk her, with extremely poor excuses like "What if she's still thinking about you? You could be missing your chance of a lifetime".

So in my case it pretty much maintains itself involuntarily even though it has pauses. Maybe the guys who see their oneitises all the time (at work, school, etc) don't even experience these pauses, just constant triggering of their obsession.

Well, I had oneitis for a girl I met in kindergarten, and she's the reason why I created an account on facebook (as I didn't know what she'd become for the past 10 years or so).

Love knows no bounds of time or space. Hell, its irrational and illogical to boot , IMO.

I still think about my first crush and that was over 40 years ago and she already
died of cancer. Hope there is a hereafter where I wont be shy and can meet her soul.

I came across this paper recently. I think this is what you had in mind.

http://www.persons.org.uk/ptb/persons/p ... 0paper.pdf