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PostPosted: 20 Feb 2017, 21:16 
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So, I am 40 year old and I feel now more than ever that I want to experience having a relationship. The only problem is my previous experience is non existent up to this point. I have lived all my life seeing girls/women that I have liked but never had the confidence to speak to them.

How can I change this?
Is there any hope to change?


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PostPosted: 20 Feb 2017, 21:19 
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So long as you're still living, there's still time to defeat LS. But it's not going to get any easier.
There are several suggested plans in the stickied threads in this forum. Have a look through them and see which ones you think might be feasible for you. Then, go do it!

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PostPosted: 20 Feb 2017, 22:43 
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Thanks for the reply,
Maybe its because I have reached the big 40, but I now feel more than ever that I want to experience what I have missed out on.


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PostPosted: 21 Feb 2017, 16:02 
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The feeling of missing out is part internal and part external.

Wanting a loving relationship is normal. Unfortunately, any negative feelings you have about being alone are made worse by society's stigmatization of being single. Example; over 30 and never married = something wrong with you.

If this were 10 years ago, I'd recommend POF.com or OKcupid.com. But the quality of women on those sites has dropped dramatically over the past decade. If you manage to find a woman to start a relationship with, you may find that you've traded one set of problems for another. This is what happened to me when I finally got into a relationship. Things ended between us because staying with that woman would have been worse for me in in the long run, than if I had just remained single.

This doesn't mean that you shouldn't give dating your best shot. By all means, pursue that which you think will make you happy. Just make sure not to let women manipulate you into a situation that will be bad for you. They have a way of doing that when you're not paying attention.

Good luck.

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PostPosted: 12 Mar 2017, 12:26 
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To be honest I am heading towards 33 and have lost hope.

The reason is simply the fact that if you do not do experiences that build up your personality at the right time you cannot catch up later.

Those experiences are friends, first dates, courtship, first kiss in the teenage years, first relationship etc.

I have not had those experiences and have tried all sorts of things to try to improve my approach towards girls etc. but did not help. The things that I have done are psychoteraphy (it lasted nine years and I have improved and am more secure but am still love-shy), PUA (complete waste of money and useless), I have had sex for the first time at the age of twenty-six and have had some sexual relationships since then but never a girlfriend.

Therefore I have sort of given up as I am tired in trying with girls but always having a negative response.

What hurts the most at my age is seeing all the friends that I have made in the recent years getting married/in a long lasting relationship while I remain alone. Going to marriages is always a hard bet as I see the couples there and I am one of the only lonely ones.

The problem is that they do not help my situation neither as they make comments such as "You should lower the standards", "You should go out more", "Do not worry the right one will arrive when you least expect it" and all these idiotic comments.

Love shyness is like a building being built, every line of bricks is a year of your life. We have missing bricks and we cannot put them there at the age of 30-40 or 50, it is simply too late. Personality must be built up at the young age especially to face social situations (this point was also mentioned by Dr. Gilmartin in his book).

I hope that I am wrong for all of us but somehow do not think so. Furthermore we should also think that for many of us love shyness is connected to other problems such as Asperger's Syndrome, learning disabilities etc.


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PostPosted: 12 Mar 2017, 17:08 
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sevs17 wrote:
To be honest I am heading towards 33 and have lost hope.

The reason is simply the fact that if you do not do experiences that build up your personality at the right time you cannot catch up later.

Those experiences are friends, first dates, courtship, first kiss in the teenage years, first relationship etc.

I have not had those experiences and have tried all sorts of things to try to improve my approach towards girls etc. but did not help. The things that I have done are psychoteraphy (it lasted nine years and I have improved and am more secure but am still love-shy), PUA (complete waste of money and useless), I have had sex for the first time at the age of twenty-six and have had some sexual relationships since then but never a girlfriend.

Therefore I have sort of given up as I am tired in trying with girls but always having a negative response.

What hurts the most at my age is seeing all the friends that I have made in the recent years getting married/in a long lasting relationship while I remain alone. Going to marriages is always a hard bet as I see the couples there and I am one of the only lonely ones.

The problem is that they do not help my situation neither as they make comments such as "You should lower the standards", "You should go out more", "Do not worry the right one will arrive when you least expect it" and all these idiotic comments.

Love shyness is like a building being built, every line of bricks is a year of your life. We have missing bricks and we cannot put them there at the age of 30-40 or 50, it is simply too late. Personality must be built up at the young age especially to face social situations (this point was also mentioned by Dr. Gilmartin in his book).

I hope that I am wrong for all of us but somehow do not think so. Furthermore we should also think that for many of us love shyness is connected to other problems such as Asperger's Syndrome, learning disabilities etc.


The best we can hope for is to do the best you can at any age and try to make the changes needed to become more socially skilled and more social. Even when a condition like Aspergers may hinder your social life, aiming to become aware of it and becoming as high functioning as possible can still mean finding a healthy relationship.


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PostPosted: 12 Mar 2017, 18:49 
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zx123 wrote:
So, I am 40 year old and I feel now more than ever that I want to experience having a relationship. The only problem is my previous experience is non existent up to this point. I have lived all my life seeing girls/women that I have liked but never had the confidence to speak to them.

How can I change this?
Is there any hope to change?


Do women ever approach or flirt with you? If so, that's half the battle. If you're a good-looking guy who makes a decent income, then you have a better chance at finding a woman than you would if you were a pure incel. I think being an incel is worse because you don't have any choice in the matter. I'm 56 and have never had a girlfriend or sex, not because I'm particularly shy, but because women find me repulsive.

So if you're reasonably attractive, start trying to build your confidence around women. You may find women warm up to you in ways you thought weren't possible.

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And if there's a purpose to my darkness, maybe it's to bring some balance to the world.
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PostPosted: 13 Mar 2017, 17:45 
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No matter what your age, or how deep you are into LS, I don’t believe anyone is outside the realm of reversing its course. At least I consider myself living proof of this because I was 44 years old before finally breaking the ice and hooking up with my now wife through eHarmony. It was just a few months before meeting her that I came to the end of myself and decided, “Enough is enough! I’ve been dateless & mateless for way too long, and need to do whatever it takes, with God’s help, to finally fill the long-time void in my life. “ To briefly share my story, in the years leading up to conquering my LS, in a 25-year span of time (through my 20’s, 30’s, and about halfway into my 40’s), I went out on only 10 “1 and done” dates (OK, maybe one of those being a “2 and done”), meaning I spent too much of my time being passive and not consistently proactive in seeking & experiencing relationships, leading to possible earlier marriage, for a variety of reasons that I figured out were the possible root causes for my few unsuccessful dating attempts, not having any long-term (or even short-term) dating relationships, and yes, even being a virgin all that time. Talking about “wasted years” in that regard! It was through exhaustive Internet browsing and research for answers to not only what might’ve caused my rare “womanless” situation, but also tips & strategies that trigger women to be attracted to me when I came upon the Love-shy.com website and realized that maybe I was experiencing some of the characteristics myself of an LS victim. Well, by the grace of God, the hard work to find Ms. Right that I anticipated taking much time, diligence, and even money, instead took only a 3-month discounted subscription to eHarmony, and yes, while applying some things I learned and being at a confidence/comfort level with the woman I met from out of state, the rest is history. My wife and I have been happily married for over a year and a ½ now. So, don’t lose hope!


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PostPosted: 14 Mar 2017, 07:09 
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Congrats on defeating your LS, HB48. Have a retroactive albatross.
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PostPosted: 19 Mar 2017, 11:48 
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sevs17 wrote:
To be honest I am heading towards 33 and have lost hope.

The reason is simply the fact that if you do not do experiences that build up your personality at the right time you cannot catch up later.

Those experiences are friends, first dates, courtship, first kiss in the teenage years, first relationship etc.

I have not had those experiences and have tried all sorts of things to try to improve my approach towards girls etc. but did not help. The things that I have done are psychoteraphy (it lasted nine years and I have improved and am more secure but am still love-shy), PUA (complete waste of money and useless), I have had sex for the first time at the age of twenty-six and have had some sexual relationships since then but never a girlfriend.

Therefore I have sort of given up as I am tired in trying with girls but always having a negative response.

What hurts the most at my age is seeing all the friends that I have made in the recent years getting married/in a long lasting relationship while I remain alone. Going to marriages is always a hard bet as I see the couples there and I am one of the only lonely ones.

The problem is that they do not help my situation neither as they make comments such as "You should lower the standards", "You should go out more", "Do not worry the right one will arrive when you least expect it" and all these idiotic comments.

Love shyness is like a building being built, every line of bricks is a year of your life. We have missing bricks and we cannot put them there at the age of 30-40 or 50, it is simply too late. Personality must be built up at the young age especially to face social situations (this point was also mentioned by Dr. Gilmartin in his book).

I hope that I am wrong for all of us but somehow do not think so. Furthermore we should also think that for many of us love shyness is connected to other problems such as Asperger's Syndrome, learning disabilities etc.


:coolbeans: :check:


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PostPosted: 24 Mar 2017, 21:14 
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Hi,
HoosierBuckeye48, your story give me hope.
I think maybe there is some truth to the fact that there are stages which most people go through that LS people miss out on.
I mean there is that developmental stage when you are a teenager, and then dating when you are in your twenties before settling down and getting married, or at least a long term relationship. I am most other LS's have never went through those experiences.

As for the question do women ever approach or flirt with me?
The answer is no, or at least not that I a aware of. Maybe I am just missing the clues.

Recently I have started using dating sites and women have liked my picture quite a few times.
That is the first time that I have ever had any affirmation that a woman could find me attractive.


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PostPosted: 24 Mar 2017, 21:38 
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Only Jesus can help everyone. He died for our sins.


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PostPosted: 04 Apr 2017, 17:34 
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Extensive Contributor: I can empathize with how you feel b/c I've been in that state of being, feeling that hope might be lost, even well beyond age 33, as well as others firing off those "idiotic" comments as you coin them to me, but hey, you acknowledging that Jesus can help and steer you in the right direction is the biggest "first step" you can take. From there, letting Him guide & direct you in being diligent and proactive at taking whatever measures are necessary to conquer your LS. Remember, wars are won strategically. I didn't actively attempt PUA myself, but researching it alone was enough to convince me that it's not what it's cracked up to be, so I'm with you there.

Poster: I definitely think you're on the right track. Online dating sites is always a great starting point, at least it was for me. It's just gonna take "baby steps". Everyone who learns to ride a bike falls off several times but each time gets back on, tries again & again until he/she is cruising away.


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PostPosted: 21 Apr 2017, 22:38 
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HoosierBuckeye48 wrote:
Extensive Contributor: I can empathize with how you feel b/c I've been in that state of being, feeling that hope might be lost, even well beyond age 33, as well as others firing off those "idiotic" comments as you coin them to me, but hey, you acknowledging that Jesus can help and steer you in the right direction is the biggest "first step" you can take. From there, letting Him guide & direct you in being diligent and proactive at taking whatever measures are necessary to conquer your LS. Remember, wars are won strategically. I didn't actively attempt PUA myself, but researching it alone was enough to convince me that it's not what it's cracked up to be, so I'm with you there.

Poster: I definitely think you're on the right track. Online dating sites is always a great starting point, at least it was for me. It's just gonna take "baby steps". Everyone who learns to ride a bike falls off several times but each time gets back on, tries again & again until he/she is cruising away.


I appreciate your post. I am Catholic and have always been very religious, especially after going to Medjugorje and meeting people who suffer a lot due to accidents, diseases or disabilities but nonetheless believe.

However: a lot of these people have dreams and wishes but not all of them will see them. For example think of a person that used to ski and loved it but had to stop due to an accident. He will never be able to ski again no matter how hard he prays but God will give him the strength to go on and have other satisfactions in life.

I am not saying that we should not continue trying and praying but we must also think that even if we are love shy we need to be grateful to the Lord for what we have that others may not have.


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PostPosted: 22 Apr 2017, 04:27 
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Evil. You have to become evil.

Confidence = Evil IMO.


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