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PostPosted: 26 Oct 2018, 06:56 
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sorry for my English
I am 30 years old. Avoidant personality disorder.
I get annoyed: when the psychotherapist declares to me that my problems with love are temporary, there is nothing special about them. Very soon there will be a girl and everything will immediately turn out well. Simply and easily. I do not see the slightest improvement, but I have to hope.
I understand when it was said at the age of 20, the whole life ahead. But at 30? I think those who are 40-60 years old, they say the same thing. If everyone else can, then I can too.
The psychotherapist only insists: drink pills, play sports, pursue a career, attend mass events .... And the girl just appears herself. Magic! But it is not.
I changed a lot of psychotherapists. Success: I became more sociable, friends appeared, I visit prostitutes ... but it looks like I got to the top - what psychotherapy can give.
On psychological sites, I do not see that love shyness taken seriously.


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PostPosted: 26 Oct 2018, 09:04 
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Hallo brother!
The only question is: Are you GOOD-LOOKING? If the answer is "yes" than your therapist is right and there is a high likelihood you will find a girlfriend sooner or later. But in case you are BELLOW AVERAGE LOOKING - than with 30- the chances for a success with any remotely ATTRACTIVE woman is very slim indeed.

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PostPosted: 26 Oct 2018, 23:08 
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pavel wrote:
sorry for my English
I am 30 years old. Avoidant personality disorder.
I get annoyed: when the psychotherapist declares to me that my problems with love are temporary, there is nothing special about them. Very soon there will be a girl and everything will immediately turn out well. Simply and easily. I do not see the slightest improvement, but I have to hope.
I understand when it was said at the age of 20, the whole life ahead. But at 30? I think those who are 40-60 years old, they say the same thing. If everyone else can, then I can too.
The psychotherapist only insists: drink pills, play sports, pursue a career, attend mass events .... And the girl just appears herself. Magic! But it is not.
I changed a lot of psychotherapists. Success: I became more sociable, friends appeared, I visit prostitutes ... but it looks like I got to the top - what psychotherapy can give.
On psychological sites, I do not see that love shyness taken seriously.

There are governments and multi-billion dollar industries which thrive on the efforts of men trying to get sex. Literally everything we men do to improve ourselves and our lives is (at its base level) for the purpose of attracting a mate. If you are kept desperate for sex, you will (in most cases) continue to work toward anything that will help you get it; even if you fail continuously. So you continue trying to, get a good paying job, a nice car, your own home, and continue paying for retarded therapists who either don't know or won't admit that the dating game is rigged and not worth playing.

No one who actually has the power to help you with your dating issues will actually try to help you with them. So you can either keep trying to "win the lottery" or you can accept that the the dating system is DESIGNED to make you fail and move on.

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PostPosted: 03 Nov 2018, 14:43 
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The Geek wrote:
Hallo brother!
The only question is: Are you GOOD-LOOKING? If the answer is "yes" than your therapist is right and there is a high likelihood you will find a girlfriend sooner or later. But in case you are BELLOW AVERAGE LOOKING - than with 30- the chances for a success with any remotely ATTRACTIVE woman is very slim indeed.


Define good looking. What you consider good looking, someone else might find not that interesting.
Looks have nothing to do with social function. It might make you more approachable, but if you're unable to maintain or start a conversation it's not going to do anything for you.

To op: you know where your problem lies, your avoidant PD, so work on it. Therapy is merely giving you the tools to deal with situations and understanding how your mind works. Now that you've reached the end, time to challenge yourself. Find something anything that peeks your interest but also scares you just enough to be a challenge, but not that much it becomes something you can not overcome. For example, i have the same PD. I started out with volunteer work, with elderly people, did that for a few months till i became comfortable with spontaneous conversations, living life more self conscious. What you do or want to, so you have something to talk about if a conversation would ever start. From there on i volunteered at music festivals, behind the bar. Had massive panick attacks, but really wanted to face my fears, i wanted change. The first week was hell. But after finding my groove, and getting comfortable after-work with co-workers i started to relax and eventually actually have fun.
Having done that, it changed my personality. From a reclusive/depressive person, to approachable, comfortable and sociable. I still feel tense, going outside, or getting groceries or busy places. But it's tension i can deal with. And doesn't stop me from going outside anymore. Looking for the next challenge/fear now ;)

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PostPosted: 04 Nov 2018, 21:54 
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Terdle wrote:
Define good looking. What you consider good looking, someone else might find not that interesting.
Looks have nothing to do with social function. It might make you more approachable, but if you're unable to maintain or start a conversation it's not going to do anything for you.

В самом деле. Как оценить его привлекательность - понять, на что я имею право полагаться? Я неоднократно заявлял свои фотографии для оценки на форумах. На сайтах знакомств. Они часто давали 6 из 10. немного, но психологи рассматривают это как перспективу во мне.
Terdle wrote:
To op: you know where your problem lies, your avoidant PD, so work on it. Therapy is merely giving you the tools to deal with situations and understanding how your mind works. Now that you've reached the end, time to challenge yourself. Find something anything that peeks your interest but also scares you just enough to be a challenge, but not that much it becomes something you can not overcome. For example, i have the same PD. I started out with volunteer work, with elderly people, did that for a few months till i became comfortable with spontaneous conversations, living life more self conscious. What you do or want to, so you have something to talk about if a conversation would ever start. From there on i volunteered at music festivals, behind the bar. Had massive panick attacks, but really wanted to face my fears, i wanted change. The first week was hell. But after finding my groove, and getting comfortable after-work with co-workers i started to relax and eventually actually have fun.
Having done that, it changed my personality. From a reclusive/depressive person, to approachable, comfortable and sociable. I still feel tense, going outside, or getting groceries or busy places. But it's tension i can deal with. And doesn't stop me from going outside anymore. Looking for the next challenge/fear now ;)

Поблагодарить. Хороший совет. Таким образом, я сам преодолел некоторые страхи.
Думаю, нам нужен новый страх.


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PostPosted: 05 Nov 2018, 02:33 
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Google translate hooray :p

On your first point, there's a difference between being "good looking" and looking good on photo's. For example, a fat girl can look beautiful and slim on photo's from the right angle, the right lighting and good filter/make-up. But in reality she is not good looking. What the best angles are? Youtube helped me there with tutorials on how to make better pictures of models and nature, and applying them to myself. I have a pretty big nose, so frontal pics work best for me, or slightly angled but not too much. Frontal lighting just enough to get a warm glow on my skin (i'm light skinned) and my head slightly tilted down. On pics, I look amazing, in real life...nah.

Your second point, find a fear dude! I'd say go do volunteer work, something like coffee rounds in a home for the elderly. You'll get to practice having conversations, and there's plenty of down time to mingle with co-workers and volunteers. But at the same time there's not too many people as to scare you off. Build up to a goal, for example visiting a music festival next summer ;)

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From the netherlands = slightly broken english.
Loveshy, not incel.


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